As time moves forward, it is becoming harder and harder to really imagine what life with Ellie might have been like now. There are simply too many unknowns. She really is forever 15 months in my mind. As this milestone when she would have been turning 5 and starting kindergarten approaches, I find myself spending a lot more time thinking about what our life and family would be like if Trisomy 4p had never been a part of Ellie's story. What if I had gone into the hospital on May 16, 2013 for my scheduled c-section and walked out the next day with a healthy baby girl. Our family would have moved forward with 4 kids under the age of 6 (the youngest 2 both being under 18 months) which my then naive self would have felt was incredibly hard, but I now understand would have been ideal compared to what we experienced in reality.
Fast forward 5 years and we would have gotten through the hard years and would now be entering a new phase of life where all of our kids would be attending the same school this year. Our afternoons would be filled with Mason and Miles playing marvel while Brynn and Ellie played American girl dolls and Barbies instead of Brynn always feeling left out. I would be teaching Miles and Ellie how to read and count together. Our family would look the way I always imagined it would with 2 boys and 2 girls all close in age being raised together.
Instead, our family is still trying to repair all the damage that grief and regret has caused over the last 5 years. Brynn is left as an only girl, something I never wanted her to have to experience like I have. Ryan is a caboose baby at home by himself all day, something I never wanted for any of my children.
To put it simply, this year as Ellie's 5th birthday approaches, I find myself grieving and longing for what might have been.
This year for Ellie Day, we spent the day creating Ellie's Angel Garden (our version of a fairy garden) as a happy and fun way to keep Ellie's memory a part of our home.
