(un)photogenic

I know I may be biased, but Scott and I have some pretty cute kiddos. Unfortunately, pictures don't always capture their true cuteness very well.  We aren't exactly what one would call a photogenic family, and Ryan might just be the least photogenic of us all. Now don't get me wrong, Ryan is one stinkin' cute baby! Scott would argue he is our cutest baby (that wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that he looks 100% like a Murray baby), but trying to get a decent picture of him lately is nearly impossible. Because of the difficulty I was having getting a good picture of Ryan, I decided it was time to turn to the professionals and I took him into a photo studio to get some basic 4-month pictures just like I had for my other kids. I guess I underestimated the severity of this un-photogenic baby because the whole photo session was completely AWFUL! Ryan wouldn't hold still, wouldn't keep his hands out of his face, and would only flash a smile for 0.01 seconds. I felt so bad for the poor photographer. The photo shoot seemed endless and only got worse as time went on, but she couldn't really wrap it up because we literally had not gotten a single shot that was even half decent. Finally I called it quits. These two pictures were the best that we got. Looking back now I kind of love them because they perfectly captured my uncooperative and un-photogenic baby who is just too cute for cameras to capture.

The good news is there is hope for Ryan. As I mentioned before, all of my kids have had their fair share of awkward pictures taken. None of them more than Mason. This week, however, I got the big kids' school pictures back and was blown away at how great they all turned out. Especially Mason's! He is such a handsome kid and this picture captures his great smile perfectly.

Whether the pictures show it or not, I think we have four of the cutest kids around.

All-together Playground

In 2014, right around the time Ellie passed away, Orem City approved the building of an "All-Together Playground". This is an all accessible playground designed to allow children with special needs to play alongside their peers. The city approved $150,000 to put toward the $1 million project. It was then up to the community to come up with the remaining $850,000 to make this park a reality. I have watched from a distance in Omaha over the last two years as our home community has come together to make this park a reality. There have been fundraising events including an all-together triathlon with the Iron Cowboy, Jimmer Fredette put on an all-together shootout, and a belly-flop contest just to name a few. There were also countless private donations like famous stand up comedian Brian Regan who donated all the proceeds from one of his shows in Salt Lake which donated the $10,000 wheelchair swing for the playground. People in the community could donate money to have their name put on a fence picket that surrounds the park or put a business logo on a paver. Our family decided to use Ellie's Christmas money last year to purchase three fence pickets. We chose to put Ellie Jane Murray, The Murray Family, and The Hale Family on the pickets. My parents also wanted to donate a paver and chose to put the Friends of 4p+ logo on it.
The final step was building the playground. This was to be done over a week's time with the help of 3,800 volunteers led by a team of professionals that were donating their time and services. We felt so fortunate to be back in Utah and be able to participate in this huge effort. Scott, Mason and I (you had to be 9 or older to help) spent our Labor Day doing a 4 hour shift at the playground. Our assignment was to help measure, mark, and drill holes in a whole lot of boards and carry them around the playground to where they needed to go. It was such an incredible experience to be a part of.

This weekend was the grand opening of the playground and we went to check it out. Let's just say it is going to be a very popular place!! It was amazing to see the love and acceptance that overflowed there as children and parents of all different abilities played side by side without giving a second glance at each other's differences. This playground is a light in our world that is so full of hate and intolerance.

Ellie's picket is perfectly placed right by the swings.

Ellie would have loved this swing!

My thoughts while we played on the playground naturally turned to Ellie and how much she would have loved it there. Swinging was one of her favorite things to do and always got her smiling and laughing. There is a very good chance that 3-year-old Ellie would be using a walker or wheelchair to get around and this park would have allowed her to play and explore with her brothers and sister. I'm sure it would have been a favorite place for our family to bring her.

Gifts from the Heart

“When a child gives you a gift, even if it is a rock they just picked up, exude gratitude. It may be the only thing they have to give, and they have chosen to give it to you." - Dean Jackson

I saw this quote the other day and it reminds me so much of Miles. Miles is always bringing me little gifts that may not seem like much, but they are so genuinely from his heart they might as well be solid gold to me.
A classic example was last spring when Scott took the kids to a movie night at their school. I had worked the night before and hadn't slept so I opted to stay home for an early bedtime while he took them to the movie. When they got home Miles came into my room and gave me about 1/4 inch of a piece of his licorice that he had saved to give me. He was so sincere and sweet as he gave it to me. Scott later told me that as they were walking out to the car Miles had tripped and fallen in the street. Scott picked him up quickly and crossed the street since a car was coming. Miles was extremely upset as Scott put him in the car. Through his tears was finally able to explain that he had dropped the piece of licorice he had been saving for me. He wouldn't leave until Scott had gone back and retrieved the tiny little piece from the road. 

Another experience along same lines happened a few months later when everyone went to the College World Series while I stayed home with Ryan. When they walked in the door I recieved another special treat from Miles. He had gotten a bag of cotton candy during the game and before it was gone he took a piece to save for me. He rolled this piece of cotton candy in his hands the rest of the game and the whole ride home. When he walked in the door he proudly presented me with a small, hard, rolled up ball of cotton candy. He was so excited to give it to me that I was half tempted to eat it right then and there, but the other half of me won out and I waited until he wasn't looking and pretended to eat it but really threw it away.
Since then there have been countless times when Miles has come up with some simple but sweet surprises for me. Just today Miles came running in the door from preschool announcing he had a surprise for me. He pulled out from behind his back a heart shaped leaf. He told me he found it on the ground and picked it up for me because he loves me so much.
Oh how I love this sweet boy.

My Ellie Place

Moving back to Utah brings with it a lot of positive things, but at the top of that list is finally living close to Ellie's grave and being able to visit whenever we would like. There was never a moment's doubt that we wanted Ellie buried at home in Utah. However, burying my child and then leaving her behind when we returned to Omaha was extremely hard to do. Even though I know that she is not really there and I am just as close to Ellie's spirit in Omaha as at her grave site in Utah, I needed a physical place that I could go. It didn't take me long to find the place that would become my Ellie place in Omaha.
The Winter Quarters Temple that is located in Omaha was built adjacent to The Mormon Pioneer Cemetery, where some of the hundreds of pioneers that died from illness, hunger, and exposure while at winter quarters were buried. In the cemetery there is a monument with a statue of a mother and father burying an infant in a shallow grave. I felt such a connection with this statue - but more importantly with my ancestors whose lives it depicted. My patriarchal blessing instructs me to "let your heart turn to your forefathers... your life will be enriched by the love that will be extended to you from your forebearers in this life and throughout eternity." It was part of my blessing I hadn't paid much attention to before but stood out to me as an answer to my prayers as I was searching for direction after Ellie's death. I felt so incredibly alone as I faced the grief of losing a child. It's not something that very many people can relate to in this day in age. But as I began reading stories of my ancestors and getting to know them better I felt their empathy and love from the other side of the veil in a way I never had before. So many of them had experienced so much loss and heartache during their lives. My own namesake, Rachel Hale Hoagland, at the age of 17 her Father, Mother, and two little sisters all suddenly died within a weeks time right there in Winter Quarters. They were buried in Council Bluffs, Iowa in an unmarked grave. Rachel had been left to care for her three brothers and get them across the plains to Salt Lake City. She knew what it was like to bury someone you love and leave them behind. This was just one of the many stories that My Ellie Place represented for me.
My love for this place grew deeper when in Stake Conference just a month after Ellie's death a general authority spoke about the sacredness of this cemetery. I honestly cannot remember all the details of what he said, but I remember how touched I was as I felt he was delivering a message straight to me as he spoke. I do remember he talked about how when the Winter Quarters temple was dedicated, the cemetery was dedicated as part of the temple grounds. He spoke about how the spirit of the temple existed on these grounds and served as the perfect reminder of the sacred ordinances that binds our families together for eternity. That is exactly how I feel whenever I step foot in this beautiful and sacred place.

In the weeks and months after Ellie's death I had communication with several people who had experienced loosing a young child or sibling. All of them expressed that the times when their family had felt the greatest presence and influence of their loved one was when engaged in missionary work. This really resonated with me and helped me realize that Ellie was now a missionary in the spirit world. I felt a very deep desire to help her by doing all the work I could on this side of the veil to help and support her on her mission. I was determined to dive into our family history. As I began reading and learning all that I could about my family lines I was filled with comfort. I have expressed before the anxiety I felt after Ellie died feeling like she was all alone. There was not a single person she knew who was with her. As I read about and got to know my ancestors better I knew without a doubt that Ellie was with them. One particularly sweet experience I had was while reading about my Grandpa Allred's mom, Anna Elizabeth Accord, who I received my middle name after. As I read about this amazing woman who children gravitated to and who cared for and loved them all, I felt an embrace of love surround me as if she was right there with me and I had a clear understanding that Ellie was with her and she loved her very very much. From that moment on I have not had an ounce of worry about who Ellie is with.

As hard as it was being away from Ellie's spot back in Utah, I am grateful for my Ellie place in Omaha and the relationship I have been able to develop with my pioneer ancestors who sacrificed so much so that I could be raised in the gospel and sealed to my family for all eternity.