Moving back to Utah brings with it a lot of positive things, but at the top of that list is finally living close to Ellie's grave and being able to visit whenever we would like. There was never a moment's doubt that we wanted Ellie buried at home in Utah. However, burying my child and then leaving her behind when we returned to Omaha was extremely hard to do. Even though I know that she is not really there and I am just as close to Ellie's spirit in Omaha as at her grave site in Utah, I needed a physical place that I could go. It didn't take me long to find the place that would become my Ellie place in Omaha.
The Winter Quarters Temple that is located in Omaha was built adjacent to The Mormon Pioneer Cemetery, where some of the hundreds of pioneers that died from illness, hunger, and exposure while at winter quarters were buried. In the cemetery there is a monument with a statue of a mother and father burying an infant in a shallow grave. I felt such a connection with this statue - but more importantly with my ancestors whose lives it depicted. My patriarchal blessing instructs me to "let your heart turn to your forefathers... your life will be enriched by the love that will be extended to you from your forebearers in this life and throughout eternity." It was part of my blessing I hadn't paid much attention to before but stood out to me as an answer to my prayers as I was searching for direction after Ellie's death. I felt so incredibly alone as I faced the grief of losing a child. It's not something that very many people can relate to in this day in age. But as I began reading stories of my ancestors and getting to know them better I felt their empathy and love from the other side of the veil in a way I never had before. So many of them had experienced so much loss and heartache during their lives. My own namesake, Rachel Hale Hoagland, at the age of 17 her Father, Mother, and two little sisters all suddenly died within a weeks time right there in Winter Quarters. They were buried in Council Bluffs, Iowa in an unmarked grave. Rachel had been left to care for her three brothers and get them across the plains to Salt Lake City. She knew what it was like to bury someone you love and leave them behind. This was just one of the many stories that My Ellie Place represented for me.
My love for this place grew deeper when in Stake Conference just a month after Ellie's death a general authority spoke about the sacredness of this cemetery. I honestly cannot remember all the details of what he said, but I remember how touched I was as I felt he was delivering a message straight to me as he spoke. I do remember he talked about how when the Winter Quarters temple was dedicated, the cemetery was dedicated as part of the temple grounds. He spoke about how the spirit of the temple existed on these grounds and served as the perfect reminder of the sacred ordinances that binds our families together for eternity. That is exactly how I feel whenever I step foot in this beautiful and sacred place.
In the weeks and months after Ellie's death I had communication with several people who had experienced loosing a young child or sibling. All of them expressed that the times when their family had felt the greatest presence and influence of their loved one was when engaged in missionary work. This really resonated with me and helped me realize that Ellie was now a missionary in the spirit world. I felt a very deep desire to help her by doing all the work I could on this side of the veil to help and support her on her mission. I was determined to dive into our family history. As I began reading and learning all that I could about my family lines I was filled with comfort. I have expressed before the anxiety I felt after Ellie died feeling like she was all alone. There was not a single person she knew who was with her. As I read about and got to know my ancestors better I knew without a doubt that Ellie was with them. One particularly sweet experience I had was while reading about my Grandpa Allred's mom, Anna Elizabeth Accord, who I received my middle name after. As I read about this amazing woman who children gravitated to and who cared for and loved them all, I felt an embrace of love surround me as if she was right there with me and I had a clear understanding that Ellie was with her and she loved her very very much. From that moment on I have not had an ounce of worry about who Ellie is with.
As hard as it was being away from Ellie's spot back in Utah, I am grateful for my Ellie place in Omaha and the relationship I have been able to develop with my pioneer ancestors who sacrificed so much so that I could be raised in the gospel and sealed to my family for all eternity.
