Nursery Dropout

At the beginning of the year, 3-year-old Miles joined the Sunbeams class in primary, thus making him an official nursery dropout. Nursery is the "class" (more like childcare) that children in our church attend when they are 18 months old until the January after they turn 3. Nursery can be a hard transition for kids as it is often the first time they are being left by mom and dad with virtual strangers. Each of our kids had an adjustment period after starting nursery where they would resist letting us go and even cry for a bit, but after a month or two they understood the routine and that we would be back at the end of church to get them. Miles' adjustment period lasted the entire year and a half he was in nursery. We were never able to successfully leave him in nursery without him ending up in hysterics. In his defense, nursery entered his life at kind of a difficult time. Miles turned 18 months old a little more than a month after Ellie was born. We had just moved in with my parents for the summer, Scott had disappeared to Omaha for his internship, Ellie was born and I suddenly became MIA as I was caring for her, so life was a little bit topsy turvy for this little one and half year old and I think it's pretty understandable that he was experiencing some separation anxiety. After several months of trying to get Miles to stay in nursery he started having a lot of fear about going. As soon as the closing song would start in sacrament meeting he would start shaking and repeating over and over "no nursery, no nursery". It wasn't worth the trauma it was causing so we started just bringing him home after sacrament meeting to hang out with Ellie and mom. We were hopeful after moving to Omaha that we could get him to start going, but then life really got crazy and Scott just ended up going with him each week. Because of his late December birthday Miles graduated from Nursery just a couple weeks after turning three making him a very young Sunbeam. Surprisingly, he hasn't really had a problem going to his new class. It helps that his best buddy, Benjamin Cook, is by his side. Honestly I think he just more comfortable because Brynn and Mason are in sharing time with him, too. Adios Nursery!!

Ellie's Headstone

Ellie's headstone has been placed and her spot is finally complete! It took a little longer than we had originally hoped, but it turned out absolutely perfect and was well worth the wait. Designing the stone that will forever represent Ellie and her life proved to be an overwhelming task for us. After spending some time walking around the cemetery looking at headstones, I knew that I wanted a stone that when people walk past it they think, this must have been a happy, sweet, and playful little girl. I wanted something that was youthful and had a personal representation of Ellie. With the help of our talented neighbor and friend, Shauna, we were able to design the perfect stone for Ellie. I got goosebumps the first time I saw the image Shauna created for us. The hair, the nose, and the little hand reaching for bubbles...then Miles came up behind me and exclaimed, "Look! It's Ellie!" and that sealed the deal. I knew we had the perfect stone. I will never be able to express my gratitude to Shauna for this precious gift she has given us.

I am anxious to get back to Utah so I can see Ellie's new and improved spot in person, but I will probably wait until Spring when the grass is green and has nicely filled in. In the mean time, thank you to all of our family and friends who visit Ellie regularly and send me pictures and messages to tell me about their visit. It means so much to me and makes it a little bit easier being so far away from Ellie.

Update: February 24

Today our dear friends, the Rodgers, took a detour down to Orem after their doctors appointments in Salt Lake City to visit Ellie's grave. They had never even been to the cemetery before and didn't know where her spot was so they drove around for a while until Sarah felt sure it was in a certain area and got out to walk around and saw some bright bubble containers and knew that must be Ellie. They blew some bubbles and put up some pinwheels for Ellie. Thank you Sarah, Blake, Stetson, Brooklyn, and Jett! We love this family with all our hearts!!

Utah - Take Two

As soon as we heard about Grandma Thompson's passing we starting making plans to travel back to Utah for the funeral. Thankfully our 14 hour drive to and from Utah at Christmas had gone so smoothly that we didn't even hesitate when it came time to make the drive again just a week and a half later. This time we had two extra passengers, Scott's brother, Vance, and his son, Lincoln. Vance and Lincoln drove down from Minnesota and then jumped in with us for the drive to Utah. That made for a 20 hour drive (not including stops) for them. It was a lot of fun having them along for the drive and getting to know Lincoln a lot better.

When we got to Utah, Scott and the "Original Six" were all together for the first time in 4 years! We wish it were under different circumstances, and not for Grandma Thompson's funeral, but it was really great to get to spend some good quality time with everyone.

It would be impossible to have all of the Murrays together without every night being a game night.

The funeral services were Thursday and Friday and everyone was staying until Sunday so that left Saturday for us to get out and do something together. Scott and I really wanted to go skiing since it hadn't worked out for us to go together over Christmas (other than the failed family ski trip). Somehow we ended up talking all of his siblings, none of which had skied more than a time or two in their youth, to come night skiing with us. It turned out to be so much fun!! A huge thank you to my parents who lent us all their ski gear and then watched our kids plus a few others so that we could sneak away as adults.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...skiing (or snowboarding in my case) with my hubby is quite possibly my all time favorite thing to do. It was a wonderful and very therapeutic night for me.

While we were off gallivanting with Scott's siblings (most of which were spouse and child free for the weekend) my parents decided to take the kiddos on an excursion. They took the front runner train out to the Thanksgiving Point's Museum of Natural Curiosity then to lunch and then back home on the train. The kids absolutely loved it and still talk about it. 

It was a very quick trip and before we knew it we were back in the car heading home. 

A final random picture and story from the trip. On the drive out we stopped at one of those big truck stop gas stations. Miles was going crazy running around touching everything he could get his hands on. In what was probably not my finest parenting moment I told Miles to stop touching things because if he did the blue guy (a blue manikin) was going to come and get him. It worked like a charm...until right as we were leaving Miles reached out and touched something and then yelled, "Hurry quick the blue guy is going to get me." For the rest of the weekend Miles and Lincoln would constantly talk about the blue guy chasing us. So on the way home, when we unintentionally stopped at the same gas station, the kids were thrilled/terrified to see the blue guy. We had to take a picture by him since he had become such a memorable part of the trip.

That's it for our second trip to Utah. Hopefully we can wait at least a couple months before we have to make the drive again.

Remembering Grandma Thompson

Less than a week after we returned home from Utah we received news that Grandma Thompson's health had taken a turn for the worst and she was being put on hospice. Knowing that Grandma Thompson was in her final hours I spent a lot of time wondering if Ellie was part of the welcoming committee that was waiting to greet Grandma and I wondered if her spirit was close by during those final moments when the veil becomes so thin. I would have given anything to be there and experience feeling close to Ellie again. After years of struggling with chronic pain and 4 years of being without Grandpa Thompson, on January 10th Grandma Thompson peacefully passed away surrounded by her children.

We are so grateful for the fresh memories our kids have of spending time with Grandma on Christmas day. I'm grateful for the understanding and testimony my kids have developed of the Plan of Salvation and that death is not the end, but just a brief separation before we will see each other again. They were so happy to think of Grandma Thompson in heaven with Grandpa Thompson and especially with Ellie. 

I was so grateful we were all able to go out for the funeral. Scott's mom and aunts did a wonderful job with the displays at the viewing. I learned so many things about Grandma Thompson that I never knew before. 

At her funeral Scott's aunt shared everyone's favorite memories of Grandma. There was definitely a common theme of Grandma's Treetop apple juice, playing games around the kitchen table, and her making everyone feel special and loved. 

All of the services were a wonderful tribute to an incredible woman who was very loved.

Second only to saying goodbye to Grandma Thompson, the most tender part of the weekend was visiting and saying goodbye to Grandma and Grandpa's house. I have only been in the family for 10 years and it still makes me sad to think we will no longer be sitting in the front room visiting with them or cramming everyone into the basement for the Christmas white elephant exchange anymore. This house is such a big part of all of my memories of Grandma and Grandpa Thompson. After the funeral we met at the house with much of the extended family as we all shared our good memories and each of the grandkids chose a few sentimental pieces they would like to have to remember Grandma and Grandpa Thompson by. Scott and I choose some of Grandpa's old medical and pharmacology books to add to the nearly century old nursing books that had belonged to Grandpa Thompson's mom that were given to me as part of our wedding gift. We were also lucky enough to receive the children's encyclopedias from the 1950s that our kids were so excited about. Below are some pictures of our favorite and most memorable places in Grandma's house. The piles and boxes everywhere were due to the process of sorting through things. Grandma's house was always immaculate.

The low ceilings, especially going down the stairs.

The many many movies Grandma had recorded off TV onto VHS and a classic treetop apple juice container.

The glass kitchen table.

The front room.

Saying goodbye to Grandma Thompson is bittersweet. We will miss her beautiful smile and infectious laugh, but we know that she is happily reunited with her mother and husband and free from all her pain.

Afraid of the Dark

Some of the earliest memories I have as a little girl are of lying in my bed, terrified, as my imagination was being fueled by all of the sounds and shadows of the darkness. My heart would race as I tried to build up the courage to leave the protection of my covers and sprint across the hall to the safety of my parents bed.
As of lately, it appears that Miles has inherited my childhood fear of the dark. He gets nervous being in any kind of darkness whether it is walking outside as the sun goes down, driving in a dark car, or sleeping in his room at night. We tried the obvious solution of putting a nightlight in his room and/or leaving his closet and hall lights on, but then he developed a fear of his shadow (it doesn't have a face afterall). So his only defense is to hide under his blanket and run to our room every night. Because of my experiences as a child I am a complete push over when it comes to my kids crawling in bed with me, and Miles has been taking full advantage of my weakness, but I don't mind at all. Honestly, having his warm little body snuggled up close to me during the sometimes difficult nights can be quite comforting for me as well, so I'll just enjoy the snuggles while they last.

Venus Fly Trap

Mason's latest obsession: Carnivorous plants (plants that eat bugs)
As usual, his fascination with them started when he read a book about venus fly traps. Pretty soon he was an expert on all different kinds of carnivorous plants including his favorites: Venus fly traps, Sundew, and Pitcher plants. So you can imagine his excitement when Brynn surprised him with his very own live Venus fly trap for Christmas. He named it Seymour and loves feeding him dead flies. Mason loves to show off his "pet" to anyone who comes to our house and even got to bring him to school for show and tell last week. He is hoping to add a sundew and/or pitcher plant to his carnivorous plant collection soon. We'll see if we can keep this one alive first. Truthfully Seymour isn't looking so hot right now and after reviewing the care instructions I realized we are only supposed to be feeding one trap every other week and Mason has been feeding each trap as soon as it opens (about once a week). Oops! I think Seymour has a tummy ache).
I have to mention the I was very impressed with mycarnivore.com and would recommend it to anyone looking to purchase their own carnivorous plant...because there are so many of you out there, I am sure.

Christmas Without Her

Our first Christmas without Ellie has come and gone. In some ways it was better than I expected and in other ways it was much harder. I knew heading into the holiday season that there were going to be a lot of difficult and emotional moments for me, but I was always surprised when and where it hit me the hardest. Looking back, it seems like the obvious situations that I knew would be difficult I ended up handling okay. It was the unexpected moments, like when I would see something in the store and naturally think to myself 'that would be perfect to put in Ellie's stocking' or 'these are the cutest matching jammies for the girls' when, almost instantly, reality caught up with my thoughts and the harsh truth that I wouldn't be getting anything for Ellie came crashing down on me. Then I would find myself frozen in the middle of Costco with a touch and feel book set in my hands and tears streaming down my face. On several such occasions I could not bring myself to put the item back. It was just too painful to admit I would never buy another gift for Ellie. Before I knew what I was doing I would place the item in my cart and end up purchasing something that I had absolutely no use for simply because it hurt a whole lot less to pretend like I had a reason to get it. Pretty soon I had quite the stockpile of "Ellie things" collecting in my closet. One day, the kids and I decided we could use them to make Christmas packages for little boys and girls who were spending Christmas in the hospital. Some of the things included in each package were a pair of baby leggings, lip smackers, a push pop sucker, playdoh, and of course bubbles. This helped me realize the key to me surviving Christmas would be serving others. Whenever I would feel the grief starting to creep in, I would turn my focus to others and it helped me feel closer to Ellie and closer to Christ which is the only thing that dulls the pain. It helped that after being showered with so much love and kindness by others last Christmas, my kids were full of excitement and ideas for service this year. We honestly spent more time serving others than we did doing any other Christmas traditions this year. As a matter of fact this led to a new and very meaningful family tradition for us. Throughout the month of December we filled Ellie's stocking with pieces of paper which on which we wrote down some of the service and kindness along with other things we had done to choose the right so that we will be with worthy to return to Christ, as Ellie has, and be together as an eternal family. This was our gift to Ellie.

I don't share any of this to toot my own horn and I have no intentions of going into detail of the things we did because that isn't why we did them, but I do want to share that I strongly believe that when life has you down, if you look for something you are capable of doing for others, you will feel a little bit better than you did before.

Unfortunately, my secret weapon that managed to distract me through most of the Holiday season wasn't enough to hold off the onslaught of emotion that Christmas brought with it. The emotions started catching up with me when we got to Utah and I was able to return to Ellie's grave for the first time in 4 months. It was the first place we went after pulling in from our 14 1/2 hr drive. The cemetery was a beautiful sight with all the Christmas decorations sparkling in the dark. At the top of the hill, marking Ellie's spot, was the sweetest little tree lit up with "bubble lights". My mom has done an incredible job decorating Ellie's grave for me. Her Christmas tree with solar lights was absolutely perfect!

It got harder as the week went on and I felt like Ellie's absence was evident in everything we did. By Christmas Eve I could feel myself starting to unravel. Starring at the three stockings and three gifts laid out where last year there had been four was almost unbearable for me. I wanted to cancel Christmas right then and there. It was then that I realized that Christmas will never be the same again.

On Christmas morning, after all the presents had been opened we wrapped up our list of good deeds and went to visit Ellie's grave. I never stop loving how peaceful Ellie's spot is, tucked into her little grove of trees at the top of the cemetery, overlooking the valley. On Christmas morning it was especially calm and beautiful with all the freshly fallen snow and her perfect little tree.
We left our present for her, let some balloons go to heaven, and wished our baby sister a Merry Christmas.

I have spent the last month trying to snap myself out of the funk that Christmas sent me spiraling into. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I had no idea it was going to be this hard to be forced to move on without her. I expected time to ease the pain, but all it does is make Ellie feel further away.

Christmas 2014

Although we were traveling over Christmas, we were actually more at home being in Utah than we would have been at our house in Omaha and our Christmas Eve and Christmas Day followed the same traditions we have had in years past.

We spent Christmas Eve out at Scott's parent's house in Woodland Hills for the traditional Murray family Candlelight dinner.

After dinner everyone opened their Christmas jammies and we exchanged a few gifts with siblings and cousins since we wouldn't be seeing them on Christmas.

On our way home we kept up one of our favorite traditions of driving through the Spanish Fork lights. By the time we got there Miles had fallen asleep so we let Brynn and Mason climb up front with us and we all enjoyed the lights together.

We got back to my parents' house and got the kids all tucked in. They were almost asleep when we heard Santa's sleigh bells which, along with the fact they were exhausted, motivated them to fall right sleep.

We woke up to a beautiful, white Christmas straight out of a movie. Big, thick, snowflakes were falling and everything was covered in a fresh blanket of snow. I have to admit that the way all of the snow seemed to appear out of nowhere (there was not a snowflake to be found when we had gone to bed the night before) was pretty magical.
My parents were very generous hosts and turned their house over to us on Christmas morning while they were out visiting Chris and Brandon's families so that we could have our traditional Christmas Morning. The kids were happy to see that Santa had indeed found us in Utah!
Miles was thrilled to get his excavator and dump truck along with a few other construction trucks.

Brynn got her toy kitchen.

and Mason got an awesome Lego Technic set.

The morning was filled with a lot of fun and excitement as we took our time opening and enjoying presents. Miles repeatedly won the greatest reaction award. Every time he opened a present he would gasp in amazement and exclaim, "Is this for MEEE?" "Can I keep it?" "This is so Cooool!" the list could go on and on. He ate up every single moment of Christmas!

Brynn and Mason were very excited as usual but it was especially fun because we had spent such little time focusing on ourselves this year that really the only presents my kids had asked for were their Santa gifts. All the other gifts were total and complete surprises of random things they had never seen or known about before and I think they enjoyed their presents more than ever. Not to mention that it is now February and Mason is still keeping himself busy constructing and working on some of the different gifts he got.

As always, the pile pictures.

Mason's favorite gifts turned out to be his joke book, Wooley Mammoth Dig set, snap circuit kit, and his venus fly trap.

Brynn spent the rest of Christmas break being a baker with Miles as her "chefer" as they made more cookies, birthday cakes, and cupcakes than we could keep up with.

Miles still builds with his Legos daily, his magnet board and letter magnets have helped him learn his letters, he brings his excavator and dump truck everywhere with us, and he has Goodnight Goodnight Construction Site memorized word for word.

I think all of the kids would agree it was a wonderful Christmas.

After we had opened all our presents and gotten ready for the day we put on our boots and went up to visit Ellie's grave. The kids had expressed that they would like to send a balloon up to Heaven for Ellie on Christmas. I thought it was a great idea. I'll share more about the gift we left for Ellie in another post.

As we turned to leave I looked back at Ellie's spot and was touched seeing all the trampled snow surrounding her tree. It was obvious that Ellie had not been alone on Christmas day.

That evening we endured the blizzard and traveled, albeit very slowly, up to Salt Lake where we were able to stop by Primary Children's Hospital and drop off the box full of packages we had made for the children who were spending Christmas in the hospital. The hospital had been under pretty extensive construction as long as we had been going there, but apparently they finished it all after we moved to Omaha. While it was very nice and definitely beat the construction zone lobby we were used to, it made me sad that I didn't even recognize it anymore. This place that for a time was like a second home to us felt completely foreign now. That was surprisingly hard for me.

On our way home we stopped at the care center to visit Grandma Thompson and wish her a Merry Christmas. The kids had made her Christmas cards and were so excited to give them to her. Miles was especially excited to see her (it was practically his first time meeting her since he is wasn't old enough to remember his previous visits) and had a lot to tell her. Her health had been declining rapidly and we knew there was a good chance this would be the last time we saw Grandma Thompson in this life. We all said goodbye and told her how much we love her. It was the perfect way to finish off our Christmas day.

Christmas Card 2014

I love Christmas Cards! 

I love sending them, I love receiving them, I just love everything about them. Nothing beats opening the mail to find greetings from friends I've made during all different times in my life. I love seeing how their family has grown and changed over the last year. I enjoy getting a little glimpse into where they are and what they are doing. I love being reminded of all the amazing people who have come and gone from my life and helped shape who I am in one way or another.

It was really hard for me to imagine sending out a Christmas Card this year and that made me sad. What picture would I put on it, what would I say? Nothing seemed appropriate after loosing Ellie just a few months earlier. It seems like an insignificant thing, but for some reason it felt like a really big defeat for me. That is until I saw the pictures that a sweet friend of mine helped take in place of the fall family pictures I had been planning before Ellie's death. 

I didn't know how I was ever going to be able to take a family picture without Ellie in it, so Amber encouraged me to take a few casual "transition pictures" where Ellie was represented in a different way. 

And just like that it felt right to send out our Christmas card that showed exactly where our family is at right now. No words required.

I am so grateful for inspired friends who have helped me through my loss in ways I never would have thought of myself, but have turned out to be very healing for me.