Our first Christmas without Ellie has come and gone. In some
ways it was better than I expected and in other ways it was much harder. I knew heading into the holiday season that there were going to be a lot of difficult and emotional moments for me, but I was always surprised when and where it hit me the hardest. Looking back, it seems like the obvious situations that I knew would be difficult I ended up handling okay. It was the unexpected moments, like when I would see something in the store and naturally think to myself 'that would be perfect to put in Ellie's stocking' or 'these are the cutest matching jammies for the girls' when, almost instantly, reality caught up with my thoughts and the harsh truth that I wouldn't be getting anything for Ellie came crashing down on me. Then I would find myself frozen in the middle of Costco with a touch and feel book set in my hands and tears streaming down my face. On several such occasions I could not bring myself to put the item back. It was just too painful to admit I would never buy another gift for Ellie. Before I knew what I was doing I would place the item in my cart and end up purchasing something that I had absolutely no use for simply because it hurt a whole lot less to pretend like I had a reason to get it. Pretty soon I had quite the stockpile of "Ellie things" collecting in my closet. One day, the kids and I decided we could use them to make Christmas packages for little boys and girls who were spending Christmas in the hospital. Some of the things included in each package were a pair of baby leggings, lip smackers, a push pop sucker, playdoh, and of course bubbles. This helped me realize the key to me surviving Christmas would be serving others. Whenever I would feel the grief starting to creep in, I would turn my focus to others and it helped me feel closer to Ellie and closer to Christ which is the only thing that dulls the pain. It helped that after being showered with so much love and kindness by others last Christmas, my kids were full of excitement and ideas for service this year. We honestly spent more time serving others than we did doing any other Christmas traditions this year. As a matter of fact this led to a new and very meaningful family tradition for us. Throughout the month of December we filled Ellie's stocking with pieces of paper which on which we wrote down some of the service and kindness along with other things we had done to choose the right so that we will be with worthy to return to Christ, as Ellie has, and be together as an eternal family. This was our gift to Ellie.
I don't share any of this to toot my own horn and I have no intentions of going into detail of the things we did because that isn't why we did them, but I do want to share that I strongly believe that when life has you down, if you look for something you are capable of doing for others, you will feel a little bit better than you did before.
Unfortunately, my secret weapon that managed to distract me through most of the Holiday season wasn't enough to hold off the onslaught of emotion that Christmas brought with it. The emotions started catching up with me when we got to Utah and I was able to return to Ellie's grave for the first time in 4 months. It was the first place we went after pulling in from our 14 1/2 hr drive. The cemetery was a beautiful sight with all the Christmas decorations sparkling in the dark. At the top of the hill, marking Ellie's spot, was the sweetest little tree lit up with "bubble lights". My mom has done an incredible job decorating Ellie's grave for me. Her Christmas tree with solar lights was absolutely perfect!
It got harder as the week went on and I felt like Ellie's absence was evident in everything we did. By Christmas Eve I could feel myself starting to unravel. Starring at the three stockings and three gifts laid out where last year there had been four was almost unbearable for me. I wanted to cancel Christmas right then and there. It was then that I realized that Christmas will never be the same again.
On Christmas morning, after all the presents had been opened we wrapped up our list of good deeds and went to visit Ellie's grave. I never stop loving how peaceful Ellie's spot is, tucked into her little grove of trees at the top of the cemetery, overlooking the valley. On Christmas morning it was especially calm and beautiful with all the freshly fallen snow and her perfect little tree.
We left our present for her, let some balloons go to heaven, and wished our baby sister a Merry Christmas.
I don't share any of this to toot my own horn and I have no intentions of going into detail of the things we did because that isn't why we did them, but I do want to share that I strongly believe that when life has you down, if you look for something you are capable of doing for others, you will feel a little bit better than you did before.
Unfortunately, my secret weapon that managed to distract me through most of the Holiday season wasn't enough to hold off the onslaught of emotion that Christmas brought with it. The emotions started catching up with me when we got to Utah and I was able to return to Ellie's grave for the first time in 4 months. It was the first place we went after pulling in from our 14 1/2 hr drive. The cemetery was a beautiful sight with all the Christmas decorations sparkling in the dark. At the top of the hill, marking Ellie's spot, was the sweetest little tree lit up with "bubble lights". My mom has done an incredible job decorating Ellie's grave for me. Her Christmas tree with solar lights was absolutely perfect!
It got harder as the week went on and I felt like Ellie's absence was evident in everything we did. By Christmas Eve I could feel myself starting to unravel. Starring at the three stockings and three gifts laid out where last year there had been four was almost unbearable for me. I wanted to cancel Christmas right then and there. It was then that I realized that Christmas will never be the same again.
On Christmas morning, after all the presents had been opened we wrapped up our list of good deeds and went to visit Ellie's grave. I never stop loving how peaceful Ellie's spot is, tucked into her little grove of trees at the top of the cemetery, overlooking the valley. On Christmas morning it was especially calm and beautiful with all the freshly fallen snow and her perfect little tree.
We left our present for her, let some balloons go to heaven, and wished our baby sister a Merry Christmas.
I have spent the last month trying to snap myself out of the funk that Christmas sent me spiraling into. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I had no idea it was going to be this hard to be forced to move on without her. I expected time to ease the pain, but all it does is make Ellie feel further away.
