My heart has been aching as we continue to get settled in a new place. I'm finding it difficult to make this house feel like our home knowing it will never hold any memories of Ellie. I struggle meeting new people and introducing us as a family of six knowing that many of them will never even know that Ellie existed. I returned to my job as a critical care nurse that I love so much and am constantly reminded how I failed the most important nursing job I ever had of taking care of Ellie. I dread the thought of suffering through another holiday season without all my children. I watch Ryan grow and develop as each day he effortlessly reaches a new milestone that Ellie worked so hard to achieve and many that I so desperately wish we could have experienced with her in her own way.
I miss her. I miss when life was easy and it didn't take so much effort to get up each day and try to hold all the pieces of my broken self together. When I didn't have to put on a happy face and pretend like I was okay for everyone around me. I miss the feeling of true happiness.
This is where I'm supposed to finish with an inspiring quote or thought about Christ and how families are forever. But not today. Today I just need to be able to say out loud that it's been a hard week. #griefishard #misshereveryday
