16 months

16 months. 

This could quite possibly be my favorite age. 

Ryan loves balls, chickens, drinking from a straw, coloring with pens and pencils, peek-a-boo, reading books, toothbrushes, fruit snacks, playing outside, his wubbanubs (monkey and elephant), emptying cupboards and drawers, playing in the bathtub, and most of all his mama. 

He does NOT like having his diaper changed or getting dressed and is a pretty mediocre sleeper. 

He still isn't talking much and his vocab pretty much still consists of pppttttthhhh for ball, isssss ("this" along with a point), Wrrrrisssss ("where is it" with his arms shrugged out in a question), and mmmmmm for treat. He lack of speech is a concern and he will be starting with early intervention soon, but he is so stinkin' smart and understands everything we say to him. 

If you couldn't tell from all the blurry pictures above he is busy busy and always on the go.

Ryan is such a silly boy and his smile is extremely contagious. He keeps us laughing all day long.

16 months is an extra tender age for me this time around because I've missed it with my last two babies. 

Miles was 16 months old when Ellie was born. For the next 3 months he lived with my parents and they took care of him and gave him the stability he needed while Scott was in Omaha for his internship and I was in and out of the hospital with Ellie. I missed out on that phase of his life.

We lost Ellie when she was 15 1/2 months old and even though 16 months would have looked a lot different with her, it was something we never got to experience with her.

I am so grateful for one more chance to experience the fun of having a 16 month old in our home.

Rim-to-Rim

As if a dream vacation to Hawaii wasn't enough for one month, Scott and I were invited by his customer Knight Transportation to join some of their office in hiking the Grand Canyon Rim-to-Rim trail. I had no idea what we were signing up for when we agreed to go, but I am so glad we did because it ended up being one of the coolest things I have ever done.
We started the hike bright and early at 4:30am on the South Rim. It was pitch black and so we couldn't see anything beyond the light of our headlamps. As our group of 48 people started down the switchbacks it was pretty cool to see the trail of lights winding back and forth down the side of the canyon. I was sad imagining the incredible views all around us that we were missing out on in the dark, but everyone reassured me we would see plenty of amazing views along the way after the sun came up. As the the sky slowly brightened as the sun came up I found that I was right that we were surrounded by absolute beauty! It was about this time in the hike that our group had started to spread out as people hiked at their own pace and Scott and I found ourselves pretty much on our own beside the occasional passing ultra runner or hiker. A day spent hiking through one of the most scenic places on earth all while filling the hours with quality time and conversation with my best friend was absolute HEAVEN. I can't honestly say that I thoroughly enjoyed every single second of the 23 miles we hiked.
Now don't let my gushing description of the experience deceive you. This was extremely challenging!! Below is a screen shot of the elevation changes of our hike from Scott's Strava app.

As you can see, the first 7 miles of the hike were steep switchbacks as we hiked down the south rim canyon wall. By the end of those seven miles Scott's IT band/knee were flaring up and my hips were killing me. I was honestly pretty nervous that we weren't even a third of the way done and my body was hurting that bad. But once we made it down the canyon wall the terrain completely changed as we began our hike across the canyon. Our bodies appreciated the change in muscle groups and both of us felt a lot of relief quickly. We considered the middle portion of the hike "flat", although as you can see we were slowly climbing in elevation the entire time. At about Mile ______ we stopped for lunch. By this point my feet were on fire. I had quite a few "hot spots" created by friction on my toes and I could already tell I would be going home a few less toenails. We were able to take off our shoes and soak our feet in a cold stream while we ate. It felt heavenly and totally recharged my feet for the rest of the hike. Everyone told us that coming out of the canyon was brutal and they weren't kidding. Scott and I had been keeping a pretty good pace the entire day. As we started the ascent up the canyon we were feeling great and passed quite a few members of our group who had considerably slowed. With about 4 miles left to go as we climbed up the switchbacks in the sun as the trail turned into a soft, loose sand I hit a wall and my paced slowed considerably. My body was doing okay, but every few switchbacks I had to stop and let my heart rate slow and catch my breath or else I would start feeling like I was going to pass out. Scott was still going strong and I'm sure he would have preferred to keep going and get it over with faster, but he was very kind and patient making sure I took however much time I needed to rest. We finally reached the tunnel that everyone told us marked about 2 miles left in the hike. That was the longest 2 miles of my life, but that didn't wipe the smile off my face and we climbed up the final incline and were able to look out over the canyon we had just hiked. I felt like a million bucks for having just completed the Rim-to-Rim in 9 hours. 

That night and the next day felt very comparable to after running a marathon. My hips were inflamed and didn't want to bend and I couldn't wear anything but flip flops for several days as my blister covered toes healed. This is when I say "it hurt so good" because every ache and pain was proof of what we had just accomplished. 

The Sun coming up

The next morning we woke up bright and early at the North Rim Lodge and watched the sun rise over the canyon and looked at what we had hiked across the day before. The beauty of the Grand Canyon is amazing. I cannot wait to go back and do this hike again one day.

Maui

Scott and I just returned from a dream vacation to Hawaii. Get ready for a post with a nauseating amount of adjectives like wonderful, awesome, unbelievable, amazing, and fantastic.
This is a trip Scott has been dreaming about for as long as we've been together, but it has just never been the right time for it. When he had sky miles and an airline voucher that would cover both of our flights, we knew it was time to make it happen. Truthfully I dragged my feet more than any sane person should have, but leaving behind 4 kids for a week is not easy to do and requires a lot of favors and sacrifice by other people. It's hard for me to ask that of others so I can go on a relaxing vacation. Thankfully I have a very unselfish mother who believes strongly that it is important for couples to have some time away together to reconnect and so she insisted on watching our kids all week. Without her, this trip would not have been possible.
While I took care of all the planning and preparation for us to leave the kids and our lives for a week, Scott took care of all the planning and preparation for the trip's itinerary. The minute we sat down on the plane I signed off as mother and signed on as full time wife. Truthfully the greatest part of the whole vacation was the fact that I just showed up. It was a vacation from the mental load I carry as a mother. I never had to worry about where we needed to be or what needed to be done. Scott took care of it all. He spent countless hours reviewing and researching places to stay and things to do and he managed to plan the perfect vacation! I love being married to this man.
It came up in conversation with Steve and Jenna that we were planning a trip to Hawaii and it turns out they had some Sky Miles and were hoping to go on a big trip this year, too. There aren't a lot of people we would want to take a trip like this with, but we are so comfortable and get along so well with Steve and Jenna that we felt like they would be the perfect couple to go with. We asked if they would like to join us in Hawaii and we were so glad when they said yes.
We decided to go the end of September when crowds are low and prices cheapest. We crossed our fingers that the weather would be okay.

Summer Jobs

At the beginning of every summer I try to establish a daily routine of responsibilities to keep us (yes, me included) on track during the summer months. Over the years I have taken different approaches to this and some have worked better than others. This year's system was a huge success! My main goal for the summer was to teach the kids how to work hard and carry more of the daily responsibilities of keeping the house in order. Partly for my sanity, but mostly to help them on their way to being positive contributors in life.
I started by making this magnet board and magnets with all of the kids' responsibilities written on them. Each morning I would put their daily responsibilities on their to do side. Every day they were responsible for making their bed, cleaning their room, practicing the piano, and doing 'homework' (a math, reading, or typing activity I assigned them). Then each day two other jobs would be assigned such as dishes, garbages, clean out car, empty shoe basket, windows, clean bathroom, yard work (weeding or mowing lawn), vacuum, dust, laundry, or watch Ryan. Once a job was completed they would move the magnet over to the done side. The rule was that until all their jobs were done they weren't allowed to play with friends or have any electronic time. This has always been the rule, but having the visual of the magnets made it so they wouldn't even ask until all their magnets were moved over because they knew I would look to the magnet board before giving them an answer.
Along with the increased responsibility came a reward. Upon completing their jobs each day I would give them a blank magnet to put on their name and at the end of the week they would get a dollar for each magnet. Upon getting their allowance they would first pay 10% to tithing and 10% to their mission fund and then they got to keep 80% in their fun money. Our hope is to help our kids learn how to save and budget their money. Because they are receiving what we consider to be a very generous allowance, the kids are expected to pay for most of their wants. For example when we are in the checkout line of the grocery store and they ask for a treat my response is, "if you want to use your money to buy it you can." At first the kids would usually burn through their money as soon as they got it. As time has gone on they are learning the value of saving their money so when something bigger comes along that they want they have enough rather than spending a dollar here and a dollar there on meaningless things. I have watched them spend their money only to experience buyers remorse over a foolish purchase and then seeing how the next time they are a little bit slower and more thoughtful before spending their money.
As always, we still have room for improvement, but all in all I feel like I accomplished everything I had hoped to with our Summer Jobs chart.

Back to School - again

Here we go with yet another school year. We had a fabulous summer, but all of the kids are ready and excited for school to start again. Secretly, I am just as ready and excited to have a house that stays quiet and clean for more than 5 minutes during the day. As hard as it was switching schools in the middle of the year last year, I am glad we bit the bullet and did it because the kids now know the school, teachers, and friends and are ready to jump into a new school year without any hesitation. 

Mason is heading into 5th grade in Mr. Perry's class. This is Mason's dream come true since Mr. Perry is one of the coaches for the AF High school football team. While Mason may be excited because Mr. Perry is the cool and popular teacher I am just as excited because I have heard nothing but great things about him as a teacher and what a positive role model he is for these young boys. After the first week of school Mason is the happiest I have seen him in years. He pops out of bed in the morning, excited to get to school and comes home smiling and happy about the great day he's had. It does this momma's heart good to see this complete 180 from the last few years.

Brynn is starting 3rd grade in Miss Raddatz's class. Brynn was a little disappointed not to be in her best friends Kristi and McKella's class. As soon as she met Miss Raddatz at back to school night she was completely sold and was thrilled to be in her class. She is such a kind, fun, and enthusiastic teacher - the perfect fit for Brynn. Brynn has picked right back up with the many friends she made last year and is already making new friends. I have no doubt this will be a great year for her.

In Utah, kindergarten starts a week after the rest of the school to allow the teachers to do individual assessments with each student. Whoever came up with this plan obviously doesn't have an excited kindergartener they have to keep happy at home for an extra week while their brother and sister start school. It was the longest week of Miles life waiting for his turn to start. He did enjoy going to his assessment with his teacher, Mrs. Park. He was very proud of the fact that when she asked him to count as high as he could she had to stop him when he flew past 100 with no signs of stopping and told him that was the highest anybody counted for her. When the first day FINALLY arrived Miles was grinning from ear to ear. He was excited to have his friends Ronan and Lincoln in his class and I think that made him feel a lot more comfortable going in on his first day. After the first week kindergarten is living up to all his expectations. His only disappointment was the kindergarten playground doesn't have monkey bars and is "actually kind of boring". So Miles decided to orchestrate a game of football with some of the other boys each day instead. I hope that his excitement and enthusiasm for learning never fades.

To sum things up - it looks like it will be a pretty awesome year. I feel a sense of optimism and excitement that I haven't felt in a long time - 3 years to be exact - and it absolutely terrifies me! I have learned that when life seems too good to be true it often is and something horrible is lurking around the corner waiting to crush me. The anxiety sits like a rock in my stomach all day and keeps me awake at night wondering what terrible thing is going to happen. The whole back to school season always stirs up a lot of emotions surrounding Ellie's death and I know that is a big contributor to my anxiety, but the struggle inside me is very real. I am trying to embrace this new found optimism and be grateful for all the good in my life, but it's hard when it makes me feel so vulnerable to disappointment and pain. I hope that in May, as we are concluding a wonderful school year, I will look back on this post and laugh at myself for being so silly. I hope.

Grief

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

Three years. It has been three whole years since I last held Ellie and told her I was sorry. This year was easier than the previous two. The waves are getting smaller and farther between. Most days I function just fine, but there are still days that are filled with pain, tears, and regret. I don't know that the pain lessens over time, but I have gotten used to the constant ache and so it's not as debilitating as it once was. I love you my angel Ellie. Each year gone without you is just a year closer to having you back in my arms. 

The Sick Bed

Nothing drives up Scott's anxiety like a good stomach bug. He shifts between paranoia that he will catch it and start throwing up himself (something he does not handle well) and the fear that someone will throw up on furniture or carpet. With that being said, let me tell you the story of our first night in our new house.
After closing on our house there were a few projects we had to get done before moving in. The last step was getting new carpet installed throughout the house. As soon as that was complete the movers delivered all our stuff and we got all of the big furniture in place. We hadn't unpacked any boxes yet and weren't planning on spending the night yet, but the kids begged and begged to sleep in their new beds so we figured, why not, and stayed for the night with next to nothing available to us. After tucking all the kids in bed Scott and I walked around the house admiring the new carpet and Scott said, "The first kid who throws up on this carpet is out of the family." We got a good laugh about it and went to bed. In the wee hours of the morning we woke up to little footsteps coming down the hall and Brynn's voice in the doorway saying, "Mom....my tummy hurts...." followed by a gagging noise. I have never seen Scott move as fast as he did as he bolted out of bed, across the room, and spun Brynn around just as she started vomiting uncontrollably all over the hall floor. Thank goodness the hall has laminate flooring which conveniently still had large pieces of cardboard taped down on it from the movers. I was super disoriented and couldn't figure out what I needed to do in this foreign place without as much as a washcloth available to help me clean up. As Scott started rummaging through moving boxes to find towels I took Brynn into the bathroom to shower off. I turned on water and waited...and waited....and waited for it to warm up, but it never did. Scott abandoned the towel hunt to go down to check out the water heater and low and behold the pilot light was out and would not relight. Perfect. I got Brynn cleaned up the best I could in cold water and then she and I went to camp out the rest of the night in the main room, far away from the precious new carpet. Scott located the boxes of towels proceded to cover every square inch of carpet in the boys' room just in case one of them woke up sick, which thankfully they didn't. In the morning we packed up all the kids and drove back to my parents' house to get Brynn cleaned up and figure out what was going on with the Gas at our house. Turns out when we called and transferred the service to our name they had accidentally shut off the service instead. What a memorable night.
Since that day, Scott has implemented some new protocols in our house for when anyone gets sick. I'm pretty sure it has been more ingrained in our kids what to do if they ever wake up sick at night then what to do in case of a fire or earthquake.
When anyone does get sick they are confined to "the sick bed" which is a bed Scott sets up on the laminate floor in the living room. If needed, additional sick beds can be added to create an infirmary for the sick. From there they have quick and easy access to the bathroom without any carpet or upholstery in their path. Every person in the house is equipped with a pink bucket by their bed and the carpet around everyone's beds is lined with towels. This procedure is followed until every night until several days have passed with no incidents.
I am happy to report that by following this protocol we have made it an entire year without cleaning vomit out of carpet. Crossing our fingers we can make it a few more.