Ellie Memories

One of the most difficult parts of having another baby after losing Ellie is the fear that Ellie's memory will be wiped out with the new baby's arrival. Right now Ellie has left our family incomplete with a visible hole. We were a family of six, now we are a family of five. Where there once were four kids now there are only three. I have to accept that the addition of another baby will likely fill in that hole in the minds of others which is sad, but inevitable. My greater fear is it will also cover up that hole in the minds of my children. Although in our hearts we will be a family of seven, there will never be a family picture with seven faces or seven plates being set at the dinner table. We will never experience or create memories of being more than a family of six in this life. So how long will it be before my kids can no longer distinguish if a memory is of their baby sister or their new baby brother? How long before they stop naming Ellie in their sibling count? I lay in bed at night running through memories of Ellie over and over in my head desperate not to forget a single detail. But how do I help my kids remember their memories of Ellie?
A good friend of mine out here in Omaha had her Mom pass away when she was 7-years-old. Michelle has been a tremendous support to me since Ellie died especially by helping me understand how to help my kids through loss at such a young age. When I was expressing my fears of my children not remembering Ellie I asked her how much she remembers about her mom. She told me that most of her memories revolve around the pictures she has looked at repeatedly as well as the stories she has been told over and over throughout the years. This created an urgency in me to document the things my kids remember about Ellie so that they can read them throughout the years and remember their own memories and not just mine. I asked all of the kids what some of their favorite memories with Ellie were and these were their answers.

- The Swing Ellie slept in at Grandma's house for the first 2 months of her life. Brynn loved to help out by pushing the buttons to turn on the music and make the little bears spin. She also learned how to turn the swing so it could swing either side to side or front to back. Since the kids weren't able to be as involved in taking care of Ellie as they would have with a typical newborn, this was one way Brynn could help and it became one of her greatest memories of Ellie as a newborn.

- Mason remembers Ellie having oxygen before she got her trach and how cute she was with the tubing on her face.

- Shortly after bringing Ellie home with her trach, Scott and I were in her room doing a trach change (where you take out the trach and replace it with a clean one. This is something we did once a week). Not knowing what we were doing, Brynn walked in just as we were removing the trach and when she unexpectedly saw the exposed stoma (hole in Ellie's neck) she turned white as a ghost and looked like she was either going to be sick or pass out. From then on we always made sure to inform the kids when we were doing a trach change. Mason would come running to see and Brynn would steer clear to avoid getting another shock. Eventually Brynn got used to Ellie's trach and became a front row participant in all of her trach care.

- A favorite memory for all of them was when Ellie would wear her speaking valve which they called her 'talking nose' (the HME she wore on the end of her trach was also referred to as an artificial nose and we often just called it her nose so this was her talking nose). They all LOVED to hear her voice and would work their hardest to make her laugh with it on. But their absolute favorite was when she would cough and the speaking valve would shoot off like a popped cork. We caught it happening on video once and it is our favorite video to watch. The kids will watch it over and over again laughing hysterically each time.

- Mason loves to talk about how we would put Ellie on a blanket surrounded by toys and she would roll 15 ft across the room to play with a fruit snack wrapper instead. She didn't like regular toys near as much as she like crinkling paper and plastic.

- Mason just loved to make Ellie smile and laugh. Her favorite noises were funny/startling sounds, especially loud kissing noises and duck sounds. Mason would get right in her face and make all sorts of noises to make her smile and laugh.

- Ellie loved to grab hair. Mason was the perfect height for Ellie to grab a handful of his hair whenever I was holding her and he stood next to us. Mason was always such a good sport about it and loved the attention he was getting from Ellie even if it was a little painful.

- The kids all loved Ellie's tongue filled smile.

-Mason and Brynn would be assigned to be on "Ellie Duty" when I needed to get in the shower or get something done quickly. I would get them set up reading books or playing with toys and then do what I needed to for 10-15 minutes and if Ellie needed suctioning or anything else they would come get me. Since the person not on Ellie duty would usually be on Miles duty, they would always fight over who got to be on Ellie duty. Mason loves to talk about the time I left him downstairs with Ellie but he wanted to go upstairs so he carried her all the way upstairs by himself. He was so proud of what he had done, but it gave me a heart attack thinking about all the tubes that could have been pulled out or Ellie being dropped down the stairs.

- Brynn loved to do "Ellie's Pat Pats" with me. We had to sit and percuss her chest and back for 20 minutes twice a day. Brynn had an extra "pat pat" and would percuss her doll as I was percussing Ellie.

-The thing that Miles remembers most is playing with Ellie in her saucer. He would do this by holding onto Ellie's saucer while spinning around in circles saying, "Try and get me!" to Ellie. Anytime he sees the saucer sitting in our storage room he talks about how much Ellie liked playing with him in it.

-One night it was just us girls at home and Brynn wanted to paint our toenails, so we took the nail polish into Ellie's room where she was hooked up to her machines and Brynn and I painted each other's toenails. When we were done Brynn asked if we could paint Ellie's, so we did. As I was trying to paint her teeny tiny nails while she was squirming around the red nail polish got knocked over and spilled a big puddle on the carpet in front of her crib and stained the carpet. Now every single time we paint our nails Brynn reminds me of the time we painted Ellie's nails and spilled nail polish all over her carpet.

-When Ellie got to go on the life flight helicopter she earned superstar status at our house.Anytime our kids see or hear about any type of medical helicopter they will say, "That is like the helicopter Ellie got to ride in."

- When we get the bike trailer out Miles likes to talk about the time he rode in the bike trailer with Ellie and fell asleep on her. This was the one and only time they went in the bike trailer together and it was nothing short of a disaster, but it gave Miles one of his favorite memories of Ellie so it was worth it.

- We took Ellie to the zoo a couple of times. Her favorite thing was the tropical birds. She couldn't take her eyes off them. Every time we pass the area where they put the birds out during the summer, the kids talk about coming to the zoo with Ellie. Mason also reminds us about the time he, me, and Ellie rode on the Skyfari together.

- Ellie was very sensitive to the environment around her. If ever anyone got upset and started crying or shouting she would pucker up and cry. If one of my kids was throwing a fit all I had to say was, "You are making Ellie upset" and they would immediately stop and come running to Ellie to comfort her and give her a hug - this was especially the case with Mason. He had such a soft spot in his heart for Ellie.

- Ellie loved her bubble video that played her favorite lullaby repeatedly while bubbles floated and bounced around on the screen. We played it for her a lot! It is not uncommon for Brynn and Miles to ask to turn on Ellie's bubble video to help them go to sleep.

Goofy Grins Round 2

A year and a half ago I wrote the post 'Goofy Grins' about 7-year-old Mason and 5-year-old Brynn loosing their teeth. I am feeling a sense of deja vu as now I sit down to write an almost identical post about 7-year-old Brynn and 4.5-year-old Miles. Let Round 2 of the Goofy Grins Begin.

Much like Mason, Brynn started the process of loosing her top teeth by prematurely knocking out a slightly wiggly front tooth while playing on the playground at recess back in January. Then April hit and the rest of her top teeth started coming out one right after the other. Brynn is not a fan of pulling teeth so she just wiggles and wiggles until they are practically hanging out of her gums and require little more than a flick of her tongue to fall out. It was always a huge bonus if they came out at school so she could go to the nurse's office and get a special little tooth box to bring the tooth home in. She is now sporting a grin with 4 missing top teeth, a look that only Brynn could make look this adorable.

Shortly after we moved to Omaha 2 years ago, Miles fell off a kitchen stool and hit his mouth on the counter. He bonked one of his teeth pretty hard which led to the tooth eventually dying. As a result, that tooth has always had a slight discoloration to it. But last week when it all of the sudden turned a dark red and he started complaining that it hurt when he chewed his food we took him to the dentist to have it checked. An x-ray showed drastic changes to the inside of the tooth since his last check up just a few months earlier. The inside of the tooth appeared to have completely hollowed out. It was decided that the tooth needed to come out since it posed a great risk for infection. Miles was a champ and was completely calm and cooperative while the dentist numbed his mouth with a shot and then pulled out the tooth. When the dentist grabbed the tooth with his pliers the tooth crumbled into pieces so he had to dig around in the gums a bit to get the roots out. Miles didn't so much as flinch through the whole thing and all without laughing gas, too. The dentist was amazed and said he was one of the best 4-year-olds he'd ever worked on. Miles was ecstatic that he lost a tooth like the big kids and got to leave his tooth (pieces) under his pillow for the tooth fairy.

Speaking of the tooth fairy, you would think with all the teeth we have been providing her the last few months we would have reached VIP status, but our tooth fairy has proven to be very unreliable and has a terrible track record of coming on time. One morning after the tooth fairy failed to visit during the night I found this note under Brynn's pillow with her tooth. I'm pretty sure the tooth fairy felt really guilty for being late so she left some special lip gloss along with the typical dollar for Brynn's cute new smile.

  

As cute as these goofy little grins may be, I'm hoping that we won't be loosing any more teeth until a few permanent teeth start growing in.

Brynn's 7th Birthday

Knowing that I would most likely be having our baby brother right around Brynn's birthday we decided it would be best to do her birthday party earlier in the month. Brynn really wanted to have a stuffed animal birthday.... again. Sticking with my previous decision to let the kids choose somewhere to have their birthday parties, we decided to have Brynn's party at Build-a-Bear Workshop. It turned out to be super fun and once again I was thrilled not to be doing any preparation or clean up.
We had an employee who lead the girls through the process of each picking out an animal, stuffing it, cleaning it, dressing it, and naming it while playing games along the way. It was darling and was the perfect way for Brynn to share her birthday with her friends.

Back Row: Collette Morrow, Madolyn Jackson, Brynn, Claire Perkes, Carlee Groff, Mason
Front Row: Anna Hatch, Noelle, Emily Meeks, Miles

When I asked Brynn what kind of cake she wanted I showed her all sorts of fun teddy bear cakes and cupcakes. She wanted something that she could make herself and so she chose to make these bear paw cupcakes. She made them entirely by herself and was very proud of the finished product to share with her friends.

We sure love our love bug and are so glad she has been a part of our family for the last 7 years.

7-year-old Brynn

• Has to sleeps with her feet out of blanket.
• Loves her uh oh and stuffed animals.
• Spelling is not her strong point. She always gets 100% on her tests, but spells everything phonetically when she is free writing.
• Loves to play school and has her own classroom set up in our basement. She brings stacks of paper home from the recycling bin at school to use when she plays school. She is a great teacher and has genuinely taught Miles a lot of what he knows about math and reading. She wants to be a teacher when she grows up and very well could be.
• Still is a mother to us all. She loves to take care of Miles and he loves for her to take care of him. She keeps us all in line.
• Loves to do projects and crafts. She loves to get out her sewing machine and do sewing projects with me. She also loves to paint. She isn't a perfectionist at all and isn't as interested in the final product as she is in the process of doing it. It is so fun and easy to do projects with her.
• Hates having her hair done. I have to negotiate to get her to wash and comb her hair. She despises having her hair styled and will not keep braids or pony tails in for 2 minutes. 
• She is terrified of dogs and pretty much all other animals. 
• Still a social butterfly and loves to play with friends. 
• Always tries to do what is right.
• Pouts when she is tired and things don't go her way.

Origami Master

It's been a while since I have written a post about just Mason. The rule 'If you don't have something kind to say don't say anything at all' might have something to do with that, but I can't let his latest obsession pass without documenting it. It all started about six months ago when Mason's friend, Jenson, started showing him how to do origami on the bus. Mason was fascinated by it and wanted to learn how to do origami, too. This sounds innocent enough until you understand that Jenson had been doing origami for a long time and was making very intricate and impressive things. Mason was not interested in starting at a beginner's level but wanted to jump right in with some very complex models. The first few weeks I was ready to ban Origami from my house all-together since I was spending my entire afternoon trying to help Mason with difficult folds and diffusing his blow ups when he couldn't get something right. The words Origami and Jeremy Shafer (Mason's favorite youtube origamist) became swear words to me. Now that Mason has started getting the hang of things and become more calm and independent in working through tutorials, it has become a great little hobby for him. We now have our very own origami master at our house.

Spring Sports

This is what our Saturdays look like these days. Running three kids all over Omaha to get to each of their respective games can sometimes get a little crazy, but I wouldn't have it any other way. The majority of the games have been less than enjoyable to through with freezing temps combined with Omaha's bitter cold wind. I guess that's what you get with spring sports, though.

Mason is playing another season of flag football with his same team through the YMCA.  He has made HUGE progress since he started last year and is having a lot of fun while he's at it.

Brynn is playing another season of soccer on team Magic through Omaha Futball Club. She is a great little player and enjoys playing so much. Of course being on her best friend, Collette Morrow's team, is the highlight for her. We are excited to see where Brynn's future in soccer takes her.

Miles played in his first year of t-ball and never have you seen a more excited boy. After weeks of anticipation the season started and it has been everything he dreamed it would be! He is so excited to be on the Diamondbacks and has worn his new hat EVERYWHERE since getting it. Miles shows up to each game ready to play. He hammers the ball off of the tee every time and sprints as fast as he can around the bases. When he is playing out in the field you will always find him in ready position and completely focused on the batter. Since none of the other kids on Miles' team shared his enthusiasm or focus he would usually end up fielding the ball regardless of where he was playing and where the ball was hit. For example, if he was playing over on third and the ball was hit toward first Miles would sprint across the infield, passing all his teammates who were playing in the dirt, and get to the ball before anyone else to throw it to first. We tried to teach him to stay in his position and only field the balls that came to him, but since no one else would field any of the ball we eventually just told him to go for it. The only thing that rivaled his excitement to play in the game was getting treats after the game. After years of being the younger brother and watching Mason and Brynn get treats at their games it was finally his turn!

I'm sure this is the first of many many crazy sports seasons with these three kiddos and I simply can't wait to do it over and over again.

Mason's 9th Birthday

This year for birthdays I decided that I wasn't up to hosting parties at home and that I was going to pay for convenience. Mason was thrilled to get to choose somewhere to have his party. When we found out that The Mark (the local bowling alley/game center) had just started doing bubble ball parties it was a no brainer that this was the party Mason wanted. It was amazing to just show up and have the whole party taken care of for us, including a person who directed the whole thing. Totally worth every penny!!
The boys started off by playing Bubble Ball. These 9 and 10 year old boys were in heaven. Technically they were playing a game of soccer in the bubble balls, but let's be honest, they were really just running around knocking each other over as much as possible. Miles wasn't technically big enough to play, but there was no stopping him from jumping right in a bubble and taking off. Thankfully the employee didn't stop him and let him play. He ran around knocking everyone over and absolutely loved every second of it. Brynn on the other hand wanted absolutely nothing to do with it and we couldn't even get her to try out one of the bubbles away from all the crazy boys.

Miles, Austin Neeley, Jenson Groff, Logan Applegarth, Jack Meeks, Mason, Eyston Behrens, and Caleb

After Bubble Ball we moved onto laser tag. I wasn't in there, but when all 10 boys emerged dripping with sweat and talking 100 mph recapping their great moves and shots it seemed like a success. Once again, Miles was right in the thick of it all and Brynn chose to stay out with me.

Mason, Austin, Jenson, Miles, Eyston, Jack, Ethan, Logan, Caleb

After laser tag we all went back to our table and had pizza and opened presents. Mason didn't want a cake this year, but wanted to have doughnuts instead. Easy enough for me!

We finished off the party by giving each of the boys an arcade card and letting them play games and get prizes until their parents came.

We had an absolute blast and as soon as it was over we packed up and left! Once again, totally worth every penny! If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery than I would say all the boys thought it was pretty awesome since several of them ended up having the same party when their birthday rolled around. Miles has even declared that he wants to do Bubble Ball and Laser tag for his birthday this year. I believe it since it was probably the funnest night of his whole life. Most importantly, Mason had a wonderful birthday!

Memories of 9-year-old Mason

• Smarty pants. Mason scored in the 99% in the nation on all his standardized testing this year. He qualified for the district's HAL program for Reading and Math which is quite impressive. 
• Loves Football. Talks frequently and very matter-of-fact about when he plays in the NFL.
• Is still an avid reader and can most often be found with his nose in a book. 
• Is a great creative writer and wants to be a writer after he retires from the NFL. He wants to write a book and have it published by Scholastic - but his attention span isn't quite long enough to get through more than the first chapter before he is on to something else. Those first chapters are actually some very great writing, though. Maybe one day.
• Has an almost photographic memory.  He will often quote things he has read word for word long after he read it. 
• Loves to play sport video games way more than I like him to play them.

Mini Me

Miles has always been Scott's mini-me. His smile, his hair, his hands, his feet - it's all Scott. But Scott decided to take it one step further by following in Miles' footsteps and getting glasses. Turns out Scott is far sighted too and working in spreadsheets for 12 hours a day has taken a toll on his eyes. He's looking good with his new look and now these two can continue to be twinners.