Welcome Baby Ryan

On June 17th we welcomed Ryan Wallace Murray into our family. I never thought I would describe a c-section as a perfect birth experience, but that is exactly what Ryan's delivery was. After having two previous c-sections, I was required to have a scheduled repeat c-section. For how much I wanted a VBAC with Ellie, this go around all I was concerned about was having a smooth delivery without any surprises, and a planned c-section sounded like a great way to achieve that. The doctor wanted to schedule my delivery for 39 weeks to decrease the chances of me going into labor beforehand. That put me being scheduled on the 17th, which is already Whitney and Rachel Faye's birthday. It's one thing if I were to go into labor and have a baby on their birthday, but it's another thing to schedule it for their birthday and I wanted to avoid that. I also wanted to avoid Brynn's birthday on the 19th which pushed the possible days closer to my due date. As the day grew near I was more worried about going into labor on Brynn's birthday and Whitney insisted that I schedule for the 17th so I wouldn't risk having the baby on Brynn's birthday. So 6-17-16 was the day (which our nurse pointed out has the same numbers going forward and backward...kinda cool).
We were the first scheduled case and arrived at the hospital bright and early at 5:45 am. We sat patiently in our room and went through all the motions of getting changed, answering questions, signing papers, all the while we were both getting more and more anxious. Finally after what seemed like forever, they took us into the OR where I was given my Spinal and prepped for surgery. Dr Kling made the incision over my old scar, but he was such a big baby it was a real struggle to get him out of the smaller hole Miles and Ellie had come out of. At 7:26am, after a lot of tugging and pulling they finally got him out. I heard his cry first. It was a LOUD and strong cry. Then they brought him around the drape for me to see. I was thrilled to see a big and healthy baby. I wasn't surprised when he weighed in at 8 pounds 13 ounces and 20 3/4 inches long. He looked so much like Miles but had hair like Mason and Ellie, although it didn't look as dark as Mason and Ellie's! I felt a flood of relief! This was about the time during Ellie's delivery when our whole world started crumbling and I think my entire pregnancy I had been nervous for this moment. It was like a wall came tumbling down and all the excitement and love I had been holding back in fear of being hurt again came pouring out.
From this point on, my experience was nothing like my previous c-sections. After both Miles and Ellie were delivered I got a quick look at them and then they were whisked away to the nursery to help them with their breathing and I didn't get to see or hold them for hours. This time my baby never left my sight. Scott held him next to me while I was stitched up and we both were in complete aw that he was really here. Then I was moved to a recovery room where they immediately started skin to skin. Having my beautiful baby lying on my chest was quite possibly the most wonderful moment of my life. The feeling of happiness and joy I felt was overwhelming. Pretty soon he naturally latched on and began nursing. Every little thing he did was magical to me. I did not take a single second of these precious moments for granted. Looking back I know there were several nurses bustling in and out of the room monitoring us, but at the time I hardly noticed them. I felt like the only people in the whole world were Scott, me, and our beautiful baby boy.
A few hours later when we were all settled in our room, my mom brought the kids to meet their new baby brother. Of course they were completely smitten. Mason had a permanent grin on his face and was one very proud brother as he held and loved on his baby brother. Brynn was quite the little mother and very quickly picked up on the fact he liked being held up against her chest more than being cradled in her arms. Miles was so tender and sweet with him. The first time he held his baby brother without any promptinghe began sweetly and very softly singing twinkle twinkle little star to him. My mama heart nearly burst right there.
After the kids had left it was time for his first bath. It wasn't until after his hair was washed and dried that we realized exactly how much hair he really had! It was thicker and longer than even Mason's but it was more the color of Brynn's hair as a baby. With his little nose being a little bit smushed from the position he was inside, he even had a look of Ellie to him. He was turning out to be the perfect mixture of all our babies.
Later in the day when the kids came back again they each brought a toy they had picked out at the store for him. Miles was so excited to give him the rattle he chose and really wanted him to play with it right then so he gently shook the rattle for him the whole time.
The kids were anxious for us to decide on a name, but nothing was jumping out at us as an obvious choice. We wrote our top names on the white board and tried out different combinations throughout the day. The kids all had surprisingly strong opinions on what we should or should not name him and the only name they all agreed on was Ryan. Pretty soon they all started calling him Ryan and by the time we were required to fill out the birth certificate information we decided to follow their lead and name him Ryan Wallace. Our little Ry-guy.
We stayed in the hospital for 2 days and during that time Ryan was a good baby who liked to eat eat eat and slept wonderfully, as long as he was in one of our arms. We were anxious to get home with him and decided to cut our hospital stay short a day and head home on Brynn's birthday and Father's day.
We've been home for nearly a week now and here is what we have learned about Ryan. He has never had his nights and days mixed up, he sleeps for 3-4 hour stretches at night in his crib (the pack and play in our room for now), he thinks that if he's awake he needs to be eating, he poops whenever you wipe his bum making for some tricky diaper changes, and he is most content when he is snuggled up on our chest.
Welcome to the family Baby Ryan. We love you more than you will ever know.

Pregnancy #5

When I was pregnant with Ellie both Scott and I felt certain that our family was complete with four children and she would be our last baby. After Ellie was born and we learned of her genetic diagnosis and the possibility that Scott or I could be a carrier of it I was so grateful that we had previously decided for ourselves that we were done having kids and that her diagnosis and medical problems were not determining the size of our family. We never once questioned our decision during Ellie's life but as soon as Ellie died then all previous assurances were thrown out the window.  I loved being a mother of four and was sure that is what I was meant to be. My heart would break every time that I would do a quick, sub-conscious head count to make sure everyone was accounted for and it ended on three. My arms felt empty and I desperately longed to have a baby in them again. Our family felt incomplete. Of course it did, though, we are and always will be incomplete without Ellie. Was I really wanting another baby or was I just longing for Ellie? After all, we had been so sure we were done. It was obvious we needed time to grieve and sort through all these complicated feelings before making such an important decision, not to mention there were still several steps we had to take to find out if having another baby was even an option for us. First thing, Scott and I had to have genetic testing done to see if either of us carried a balanced translocation. We finally did the testing and were relieved when we got the results that we both had normal chromosomal arrangements and Ellie's case of Trisomy 4p was de novo (a random mutation) just as we had always suspected. After that we decided to go ahead and take the necessary steps to become pregnant. It wasn't quite as straight forward as one would think due to the fact that I had a tubal ligation after Ellie was born, but after months of fertility treatments we were finally able to get pregnant. A few years ago I didn't expect to ever be pregnant again, but here I am at the end of my 5th pregnancy. I may have been the sickest I've ever been, the most emotional I've ever been, and more uncomfortable than I have ever been, but I have also been more grateful than I have ever been for the ability and opportunity to bring another baby into our family. Here is my attempt to document 9 months of pregnancy in a few brief paragraphs.

The Pregnancy

You would think that by my 5th pregnancy I would know what to expect, but this go around has been completely different from day one. For starters the process of getting pregnant was completely different as we had to go through IVF to become pregnant. Thankfully the whole process went pretty much as smooth as possible, but still resulted in me needing to take several different hormonal medications through the first trimester. This resulted in me being sick, sick, sick. It felt like I had every stereotypical pregnancy symptom x10. Although I wasn't throwing up more than once every day or two, I was nauseous around the clock and would constantly dry heave in a loud and disgusting way with little to no warning. This was all exacerbated by the fact that I had the nose of a blood hound and everything and everyone had a smell that was nearly unbearable. I finally found that the only way to drown out the horrible smells was to keep peppermint oil rubbed under my nose. Thankfully, at around 16 weeks, the sickness finally started to subside.
Once I wasn't completely consumed with sickness, all of the emotions that come with post loss pregnancy surfaced and boy were there a lot of emotions. I won't go into all the nitty gritty details here and now, but I was a mess. At one of my appointments midway through my pregnancy I had a routine post partum depression screening that sent up a lot of red flags and my doctor referred me to counseling to help me process the array of emotions I was dealing with. The counselor I met with specialized in pregnancy after loss and really helped me to understand and validate the feelings I was experiencing. Once I realized I wasn't crazy or a horrible mother and this was just another stage of grief I wasn't prepared for I was finally able to accept and look forward to having another baby.
This last trimester I have experienced more physical discomfort than I have ever felt in my life. My ribs and my back hurt ALL THE TIME. There is not a single position sitting or lying down that is actually comfortable and restful. I sleep in our recliner or propped up with pillows on the couch because lying flat and breathing are not compatible at this point.
To sum up this pregnancy - it's been pretty miserable. I am beyond ready for it to be over but it is all completely worth it to be able to bring this little boy into our family.

The Announcement
Part of the post-loss emotions I was experiencing was the lack of desire to announce or talk about my pregnancy. I would have preferred to just pretend like it wasn't happening until the day I have a baby in my arms, but my body didn't get the memo and decided to make the announcement for me long before I was ready. I was 14 weeks at Christmas and decided it was time to tell our kids and family. On Christmas morning we told the kids who were all very excited. Miles reaction was slightly heartbreaking as he exclaimed with overflowing excitement, "Ellie is coming back to our house!!!!!" It took a lot of explaining to help him understand that it wasn't going to be Ellie, but a different baby. This made no sense to him because, "Ellie is our baby." His loyalty to Ellie made me happy and broke my heart at the same time. I don't know that it he fully grasped the concept until we found out it was a boy. After telling the kids, we facetimed with my parents and Mason told them that Scott and I had givent them a surprise for Christmas. My parents were expecting to hear about our surprise trip to Florida that we gave the kids and so when Mason said, "We're having another baby." both my parents sat for a solid 30 seconds with their mouths gapping open before my mom got out the word, "What?" then another 30 seconds of confusion followed up with, "are you serious?". The total and complete shock was understandable since they knew we were done having kids after Ellie. It was a pretty priceless moment.

The Gender
From the beginning of the pregnancy Scott and I were both hoping for another girl. We really wanted Brynn to have a sister and when we envisioned our life with four kids we naturally saw 2 boys and 2 girls since that's what we had before. So at my 20 week ultrasound when we found out it was another boy, truthfully, we both felt a little disappointed. It didn't take me long to realize how much easier it would be emotionally to have a boy instead of another girl after Ellie and I was grateful for that. Our kids were home from school due to a snow day the day of my ultrasound. We told them it was a boy by giving them each a water balloon filled with blue water and having them throw it off the deck into the snow. The idea was they would pop and turn the snow blue, but they mostly just sunk down into the snow. Mason's did pop in the hole so they were able to see a few drops of blue and know it was a boy. Brynn was super disappointed and started crying, but blamed her tears on the fact Mason had gotten some snow on her. Being the sweet optimist she is, it didn't take long for Brynn to get over her disappointment and embrace having another little brother. Miles, on the other hand was through the roof excited to be having a baby brother! A funny story happened near the end of the pregnancy when Scott was at a work lunch with some coworkers who were asking about the baby. They asked if it was a boy or girl and Scott confidently responded that it was a girl. The conversation continued and it wasn't until they asked him if we had a name that he realized his mistake and corrected himself that it was in fact a boy. His coworkers thought that was pretty sad that he wouldn't even remember the gender. I found it hilarious when he told me because there have been so many times when I have stopped to look at baby girl clothes or heard a girls name and thought it would be a great name before remembering we are having a boy.

The Name
That brings me to his name. This little boy may never have a name. Coming up with any options has been extremely difficult. Early on Miles decided that we should name our baby brother Joey and we all have been calling him Baby Joey since. There just aren't a whole lot of boys names we love and the few that we do have either already been used by a family member or is so overly popular that we are turned off to it. In these final weeks we have worked really hard to come up with a list of names to consider and hopefully after he arrives one of them will fit him. The names we are considering are Logan, Ryan, Luke, Soren, Max, Mac, and Ty. There is no front runner at this point so we'll see.

The Kids
Mason, Brynn, and Miles are all ecstatic to be having another baby in our family. I hate that they are no longer niave to the reality that things can go wrong. Miles will regularly ask us if our baby brother is going to stay with us forever or other times he will snuggle up to my belly and sweetly say, "I hope our baby brother doesn't die." I wish I could tell him with 100% assurance that everything will be just fine, but that's not a promise I can make. I do try to assure all of them that our baby brother is looking healthy and strong and we have no reason to expect any problems when he is born. The more we talk about life when the baby comes the more I realize my kids don't understand how far off from a typical baby Ellie was. Mason once asked me who was going to stay with the baby when our family went places like church and soccer games since we don't live by Grandma anymore. He was confused when I told him the baby would come with us because Ellie wasn't able to come anywhere with us as a baby and he thought that all babies have to stay home all the time. One thing is for sure, this little boy is going to be so loved by his old brothers and sister.

The Baby
I am fully expecting this baby to be a BIG boy. I feel huge! It doesn't help that he never stops moving. During my 20 week ultrasound he didn't stop kicking his legs the entire time, making it very difficult for the ultrasound tech to get the leg measurements she needed. Miles loves to feel baby brother move and will often come put his hands on my belly and rarely has to wait long before baby brother starts kicking away. A few day ago I had an ultrasound to check on baby. I was told that my fluid levels are at the very high end of normal - contributing to my hugeness - but that he looks like a good sized baby as well. We got to see his little face in 3D and we think he might be a Miles look-a-like. The ultrasound tech did mention she saw some hair so maybe Miles with Mason's hair. Who knows. One thing is for sure, we are all ready to meet this little guy tomorrow!

Miles snuggling with baby brother

39 week bump

Baby Brother

Ellie Day 2016

As I continue navigating my way through life after losing a child I am finding that grief is an unpredictable thing. Last year I didn't want to share Ellie's birthday with anyone other than her closest support group. This  year I felt much more open about her upcoming birthday and wanted to do something on a bigger scale to honor her.  I am learning that when I have an idea that feels right to just go with it and it always ends up helping me cope with my grief.
As Ellie's birthday was approaching I spent more time than usual thinking about her 15 months of life and the memories I am so grateful to have with her. Some of my most cherished memories with Ellie were the times I spent with her snuggled up on my lap reading books together, especially on our last day together. Ellie was a very hands on reader and preferred exploring books with her busy little hands - making touch and feel books her absolute favorite.

 It was while reflecting on these memories that an idea came to me and I knew how I wanted to celebrate Ellie's birthday. I wanted to use her birthday money to purchase touch and feel books for Omaha's Children's hospital for families with medically fragile children to have an opportunity to snuggle up and make some memories of their own. My family jumped at the opportunity to join in and each of the kids picked out their favorite "That's not my ...." touch and feel book to donate in her honor. But then I decided I wanted to take it one step further. With the help of my friend who is an Usbourne book consultant, I hosted an online Usbourne Book party (since they are my absolute favorite board books). I opened the party up to any of our friends and family that wanted to participate by choosing out some books for their family so they could make some memories together and then use all the hostess rewards to purchase more books to donate to the hospital. As always, our amazing support group made it possible for us to purchase an additional $450 dollars worth of books. That made for a total of 75 board books we were able to donate to the hospital. When the books arrived we sorted them and put a label on the back of each book saying it was donated in memory of Ellie Jane Murray. Then we delivered them all to the hospital. The representative that met with us was blown away that a single family could collect so many books. He said that board books are the thing they are most in need of right now and was very appreciative of the donation. It felt good to do something in Ellie's name.

On actual Ellie Day we decorated her giant cupcake with a 3 on top, hung her birthday signs and pictures, and wore our Ellie shirts (Scott had to trade me since I was a little too large for my own). My family went to Ellie's grave and Facetimed with us as they blew bubbles for her. 

For Ellie's birthday my Dad gave me the most amazing gift. He made this bench out of Ellie's mini crib. It also has a trunk built into the seat that we can store all of Ellie's things in. It turned out so beautiful and I can't wait to get it home to my Ellie Corner!

Oh how I wish I knew what 3-year-old Ellie would be like. Would she be learning to walk and talk yet? Would she be ready to get her trach out? What things would she like and dislike? Sadly I will never know, but I do know that we would have loved everything about her. 

Happy Birthday Ellie Jane!

Ellie Memories

One of the most difficult parts of having another baby after losing Ellie is the fear that Ellie's memory will be wiped out with the new baby's arrival. Right now Ellie has left our family incomplete with a visible hole. We were a family of six, now we are a family of five. Where there once were four kids now there are only three. I have to accept that the addition of another baby will likely fill in that hole in the minds of others which is sad, but inevitable. My greater fear is it will also cover up that hole in the minds of my children. Although in our hearts we will be a family of seven, there will never be a family picture with seven faces or seven plates being set at the dinner table. We will never experience or create memories of being more than a family of six in this life. So how long will it be before my kids can no longer distinguish if a memory is of their baby sister or their new baby brother? How long before they stop naming Ellie in their sibling count? I lay in bed at night running through memories of Ellie over and over in my head desperate not to forget a single detail. But how do I help my kids remember their memories of Ellie?
A good friend of mine out here in Omaha had her Mom pass away when she was 7-years-old. Michelle has been a tremendous support to me since Ellie died especially by helping me understand how to help my kids through loss at such a young age. When I was expressing my fears of my children not remembering Ellie I asked her how much she remembers about her mom. She told me that most of her memories revolve around the pictures she has looked at repeatedly as well as the stories she has been told over and over throughout the years. This created an urgency in me to document the things my kids remember about Ellie so that they can read them throughout the years and remember their own memories and not just mine. I asked all of the kids what some of their favorite memories with Ellie were and these were their answers.

- The Swing Ellie slept in at Grandma's house for the first 2 months of her life. Brynn loved to help out by pushing the buttons to turn on the music and make the little bears spin. She also learned how to turn the swing so it could swing either side to side or front to back. Since the kids weren't able to be as involved in taking care of Ellie as they would have with a typical newborn, this was one way Brynn could help and it became one of her greatest memories of Ellie as a newborn.

- Mason remembers Ellie having oxygen before she got her trach and how cute she was with the tubing on her face.

- Shortly after bringing Ellie home with her trach, Scott and I were in her room doing a trach change (where you take out the trach and replace it with a clean one. This is something we did once a week). Not knowing what we were doing, Brynn walked in just as we were removing the trach and when she unexpectedly saw the exposed stoma (hole in Ellie's neck) she turned white as a ghost and looked like she was either going to be sick or pass out. From then on we always made sure to inform the kids when we were doing a trach change. Mason would come running to see and Brynn would steer clear to avoid getting another shock. Eventually Brynn got used to Ellie's trach and became a front row participant in all of her trach care.

- A favorite memory for all of them was when Ellie would wear her speaking valve which they called her 'talking nose' (the HME she wore on the end of her trach was also referred to as an artificial nose and we often just called it her nose so this was her talking nose). They all LOVED to hear her voice and would work their hardest to make her laugh with it on. But their absolute favorite was when she would cough and the speaking valve would shoot off like a popped cork. We caught it happening on video once and it is our favorite video to watch. The kids will watch it over and over again laughing hysterically each time.

- Mason loves to talk about how we would put Ellie on a blanket surrounded by toys and she would roll 15 ft across the room to play with a fruit snack wrapper instead. She didn't like regular toys near as much as she like crinkling paper and plastic.

- Mason just loved to make Ellie smile and laugh. Her favorite noises were funny/startling sounds, especially loud kissing noises and duck sounds. Mason would get right in her face and make all sorts of noises to make her smile and laugh.

- Ellie loved to grab hair. Mason was the perfect height for Ellie to grab a handful of his hair whenever I was holding her and he stood next to us. Mason was always such a good sport about it and loved the attention he was getting from Ellie even if it was a little painful.

- The kids all loved Ellie's tongue filled smile.

-Mason and Brynn would be assigned to be on "Ellie Duty" when I needed to get in the shower or get something done quickly. I would get them set up reading books or playing with toys and then do what I needed to for 10-15 minutes and if Ellie needed suctioning or anything else they would come get me. Since the person not on Ellie duty would usually be on Miles duty, they would always fight over who got to be on Ellie duty. Mason loves to talk about the time I left him downstairs with Ellie but he wanted to go upstairs so he carried her all the way upstairs by himself. He was so proud of what he had done, but it gave me a heart attack thinking about all the tubes that could have been pulled out or Ellie being dropped down the stairs.

- Brynn loved to do "Ellie's Pat Pats" with me. We had to sit and percuss her chest and back for 20 minutes twice a day. Brynn had an extra "pat pat" and would percuss her doll as I was percussing Ellie.

-The thing that Miles remembers most is playing with Ellie in her saucer. He would do this by holding onto Ellie's saucer while spinning around in circles saying, "Try and get me!" to Ellie. Anytime he sees the saucer sitting in our storage room he talks about how much Ellie liked playing with him in it.

-One night it was just us girls at home and Brynn wanted to paint our toenails, so we took the nail polish into Ellie's room where she was hooked up to her machines and Brynn and I painted each other's toenails. When we were done Brynn asked if we could paint Ellie's, so we did. As I was trying to paint her teeny tiny nails while she was squirming around the red nail polish got knocked over and spilled a big puddle on the carpet in front of her crib and stained the carpet. Now every single time we paint our nails Brynn reminds me of the time we painted Ellie's nails and spilled nail polish all over her carpet.

-When Ellie got to go on the life flight helicopter she earned superstar status at our house.Anytime our kids see or hear about any type of medical helicopter they will say, "That is like the helicopter Ellie got to ride in."

- When we get the bike trailer out Miles likes to talk about the time he rode in the bike trailer with Ellie and fell asleep on her. This was the one and only time they went in the bike trailer together and it was nothing short of a disaster, but it gave Miles one of his favorite memories of Ellie so it was worth it.

- We took Ellie to the zoo a couple of times. Her favorite thing was the tropical birds. She couldn't take her eyes off them. Every time we pass the area where they put the birds out during the summer, the kids talk about coming to the zoo with Ellie. Mason also reminds us about the time he, me, and Ellie rode on the Skyfari together.

- Ellie was very sensitive to the environment around her. If ever anyone got upset and started crying or shouting she would pucker up and cry. If one of my kids was throwing a fit all I had to say was, "You are making Ellie upset" and they would immediately stop and come running to Ellie to comfort her and give her a hug - this was especially the case with Mason. He had such a soft spot in his heart for Ellie.

- Ellie loved her bubble video that played her favorite lullaby repeatedly while bubbles floated and bounced around on the screen. We played it for her a lot! It is not uncommon for Brynn and Miles to ask to turn on Ellie's bubble video to help them go to sleep.

Goofy Grins Round 2

A year and a half ago I wrote the post 'Goofy Grins' about 7-year-old Mason and 5-year-old Brynn loosing their teeth. I am feeling a sense of deja vu as now I sit down to write an almost identical post about 7-year-old Brynn and 4.5-year-old Miles. Let Round 2 of the Goofy Grins Begin.

Much like Mason, Brynn started the process of loosing her top teeth by prematurely knocking out a slightly wiggly front tooth while playing on the playground at recess back in January. Then April hit and the rest of her top teeth started coming out one right after the other. Brynn is not a fan of pulling teeth so she just wiggles and wiggles until they are practically hanging out of her gums and require little more than a flick of her tongue to fall out. It was always a huge bonus if they came out at school so she could go to the nurse's office and get a special little tooth box to bring the tooth home in. She is now sporting a grin with 4 missing top teeth, a look that only Brynn could make look this adorable.

Shortly after we moved to Omaha 2 years ago, Miles fell off a kitchen stool and hit his mouth on the counter. He bonked one of his teeth pretty hard which led to the tooth eventually dying. As a result, that tooth has always had a slight discoloration to it. But last week when it all of the sudden turned a dark red and he started complaining that it hurt when he chewed his food we took him to the dentist to have it checked. An x-ray showed drastic changes to the inside of the tooth since his last check up just a few months earlier. The inside of the tooth appeared to have completely hollowed out. It was decided that the tooth needed to come out since it posed a great risk for infection. Miles was a champ and was completely calm and cooperative while the dentist numbed his mouth with a shot and then pulled out the tooth. When the dentist grabbed the tooth with his pliers the tooth crumbled into pieces so he had to dig around in the gums a bit to get the roots out. Miles didn't so much as flinch through the whole thing and all without laughing gas, too. The dentist was amazed and said he was one of the best 4-year-olds he'd ever worked on. Miles was ecstatic that he lost a tooth like the big kids and got to leave his tooth (pieces) under his pillow for the tooth fairy.

Speaking of the tooth fairy, you would think with all the teeth we have been providing her the last few months we would have reached VIP status, but our tooth fairy has proven to be very unreliable and has a terrible track record of coming on time. One morning after the tooth fairy failed to visit during the night I found this note under Brynn's pillow with her tooth. I'm pretty sure the tooth fairy felt really guilty for being late so she left some special lip gloss along with the typical dollar for Brynn's cute new smile.

  

As cute as these goofy little grins may be, I'm hoping that we won't be loosing any more teeth until a few permanent teeth start growing in.