When I was pregnant with Ellie both Scott and I felt certain that our family was complete with four children and she would be our last baby. After Ellie was born and we learned of her genetic diagnosis and the possibility that Scott or I could be a carrier of it I was so grateful that we had previously decided for ourselves that we were done having kids and that her diagnosis and medical problems were not determining the size of our family. We never once questioned our decision during Ellie's life but as soon as Ellie died then all previous assurances were thrown out the window. I loved being a mother of four and was sure that is what I was meant to be. My heart would break every time that I would do a quick, sub-conscious head count to make sure everyone was accounted for and it ended on three. My arms felt empty and I desperately longed to have a baby in them again. Our family felt incomplete. Of course it did, though, we are and always will be incomplete without Ellie. Was I really wanting another baby or was I just longing for Ellie? After all, we had been so sure we were done. It was obvious we needed time to grieve and sort through all these complicated feelings before making such an important decision, not to mention there were still several steps we had to take to find out if having another baby was even an option for us. First thing, Scott and I had to have genetic testing done to see if either of us carried a balanced translocation. We finally did the testing and were relieved when we got the results that we both had normal chromosomal arrangements and Ellie's case of Trisomy 4p was de novo (a random mutation) just as we had always suspected. After that we decided to go ahead and take the necessary steps to become pregnant. It wasn't quite as straight forward as one would think due to the fact that I had a tubal ligation after Ellie was born, but after months of fertility treatments we were finally able to get pregnant. A few years ago I didn't expect to ever be pregnant again, but here I am at the end of my 5th pregnancy. I may have been the sickest I've ever been, the most emotional I've ever been, and more uncomfortable than I have ever been, but I have also been more grateful than I have ever been for the ability and opportunity to bring another baby into our family. Here is my attempt to document 9 months of pregnancy in a few brief paragraphs.
The Pregnancy
The Pregnancy
You would think that by my 5th pregnancy I would know what to expect, but this go around has been completely different from day one. For starters the process of getting pregnant was completely different as we had to go through IVF to become pregnant. Thankfully the whole process went pretty much as smooth as possible, but still resulted in me needing to take several different hormonal medications through the first trimester. This resulted in me being sick, sick, sick. It felt like I had every stereotypical pregnancy symptom x10. Although I wasn't throwing up more than once every day or two, I was nauseous around the clock and would constantly dry heave in a loud and disgusting way with little to no warning. This was all exacerbated by the fact that I had the nose of a blood hound and everything and everyone had a smell that was nearly unbearable. I finally found that the only way to drown out the horrible smells was to keep peppermint oil rubbed under my nose. Thankfully, at around 16 weeks, the sickness finally started to subside.
Once I wasn't completely consumed with sickness, all of the emotions that come with post loss pregnancy surfaced and boy were there a lot of emotions. I won't go into all the nitty gritty details here and now, but I was a mess. At one of my appointments midway through my pregnancy I had a routine post partum depression screening that sent up a lot of red flags and my doctor referred me to counseling to help me process the array of emotions I was dealing with. The counselor I met with specialized in pregnancy after loss and really helped me to understand and validate the feelings I was experiencing. Once I realized I wasn't crazy or a horrible mother and this was just another stage of grief I wasn't prepared for I was finally able to accept and look forward to having another baby.
This last trimester I have experienced more physical discomfort than I have ever felt in my life. My ribs and my back hurt ALL THE TIME. There is not a single position sitting or lying down that is actually comfortable and restful. I sleep in our recliner or propped up with pillows on the couch because lying flat and breathing are not compatible at this point.
To sum up this pregnancy - it's been pretty miserable. I am beyond ready for it to be over but it is all completely worth it to be able to bring this little boy into our family.
The Announcement
Part of the post-loss emotions I was experiencing was the lack of desire to announce or talk about my pregnancy. I would have preferred to just pretend like it wasn't happening until the day I have a baby in my arms, but my body didn't get the memo and decided to make the announcement for me long before I was ready. I was 14 weeks at Christmas and decided it was time to tell our kids and family. On Christmas morning we told the kids who were all very excited. Miles reaction was slightly heartbreaking as he exclaimed with overflowing excitement, "Ellie is coming back to our house!!!!!" It took a lot of explaining to help him understand that it wasn't going to be Ellie, but a different baby. This made no sense to him because, "Ellie is our baby." His loyalty to Ellie made me happy and broke my heart at the same time. I don't know that it he fully grasped the concept until we found out it was a boy. After telling the kids, we facetimed with my parents and Mason told them that Scott and I had givent them a surprise for Christmas. My parents were expecting to hear about our surprise trip to Florida that we gave the kids and so when Mason said, "We're having another baby." both my parents sat for a solid 30 seconds with their mouths gapping open before my mom got out the word, "What?" then another 30 seconds of confusion followed up with, "are you serious?". The total and complete shock was understandable since they knew we were done having kids after Ellie. It was a pretty priceless moment.
The Gender
From the beginning of the pregnancy Scott and I were both hoping for another girl. We really wanted Brynn to have a sister and when we envisioned our life with four kids we naturally saw 2 boys and 2 girls since that's what we had before. So at my 20 week ultrasound when we found out it was another boy, truthfully, we both felt a little disappointed. It didn't take me long to realize how much easier it would be emotionally to have a boy instead of another girl after Ellie and I was grateful for that. Our kids were home from school due to a snow day the day of my ultrasound. We told them it was a boy by giving them each a water balloon filled with blue water and having them throw it off the deck into the snow. The idea was they would pop and turn the snow blue, but they mostly just sunk down into the snow. Mason's did pop in the hole so they were able to see a few drops of blue and know it was a boy. Brynn was super disappointed and started crying, but blamed her tears on the fact Mason had gotten some snow on her. Being the sweet optimist she is, it didn't take long for Brynn to get over her disappointment and embrace having another little brother. Miles, on the other hand was through the roof excited to be having a baby brother! A funny story happened near the end of the pregnancy when Scott was at a work lunch with some coworkers who were asking about the baby. They asked if it was a boy or girl and Scott confidently responded that it was a girl. The conversation continued and it wasn't until they asked him if we had a name that he realized his mistake and corrected himself that it was in fact a boy. His coworkers thought that was pretty sad that he wouldn't even remember the gender. I found it hilarious when he told me because there have been so many times when I have stopped to look at baby girl clothes or heard a girls name and thought it would be a great name before remembering we are having a boy.
The Name
That brings me to his name. This little boy may never have a name. Coming up with any options has been extremely difficult. Early on Miles decided that we should name our baby brother Joey and we all have been calling him Baby Joey since. There just aren't a whole lot of boys names we love and the few that we do have either already been used by a family member or is so overly popular that we are turned off to it. In these final weeks we have worked really hard to come up with a list of names to consider and hopefully after he arrives one of them will fit him. The names we are considering are Logan, Ryan, Luke, Soren, Max, Mac, and Ty. There is no front runner at this point so we'll see.
The Kids
Mason, Brynn, and Miles are all ecstatic to be having another baby in our family. I hate that they are no longer niave to the reality that things can go wrong. Miles will regularly ask us if our baby brother is going to stay with us forever or other times he will snuggle up to my belly and sweetly say, "I hope our baby brother doesn't die." I wish I could tell him with 100% assurance that everything will be just fine, but that's not a promise I can make. I do try to assure all of them that our baby brother is looking healthy and strong and we have no reason to expect any problems when he is born. The more we talk about life when the baby comes the more I realize my kids don't understand how far off from a typical baby Ellie was. Mason once asked me who was going to stay with the baby when our family went places like church and soccer games since we don't live by Grandma anymore. He was confused when I told him the baby would come with us because Ellie wasn't able to come anywhere with us as a baby and he thought that all babies have to stay home all the time. One thing is for sure, this little boy is going to be so loved by his old brothers and sister.
The Baby
I am fully expecting this baby to be a BIG boy. I feel huge! It doesn't help that he never stops moving. During my 20 week ultrasound he didn't stop kicking his legs the entire time, making it very difficult for the ultrasound tech to get the leg measurements she needed. Miles loves to feel baby brother move and will often come put his hands on my belly and rarely has to wait long before baby brother starts kicking away. A few day ago I had an ultrasound to check on baby. I was told that my fluid levels are at the very high end of normal - contributing to my hugeness - but that he looks like a good sized baby as well. We got to see his little face in 3D and we think he might be a Miles look-a-like. The ultrasound tech did mention she saw some hair so maybe Miles with Mason's hair. Who knows. One thing is for sure, we are all ready to meet this little guy tomorrow!
Once I wasn't completely consumed with sickness, all of the emotions that come with post loss pregnancy surfaced and boy were there a lot of emotions. I won't go into all the nitty gritty details here and now, but I was a mess. At one of my appointments midway through my pregnancy I had a routine post partum depression screening that sent up a lot of red flags and my doctor referred me to counseling to help me process the array of emotions I was dealing with. The counselor I met with specialized in pregnancy after loss and really helped me to understand and validate the feelings I was experiencing. Once I realized I wasn't crazy or a horrible mother and this was just another stage of grief I wasn't prepared for I was finally able to accept and look forward to having another baby.
This last trimester I have experienced more physical discomfort than I have ever felt in my life. My ribs and my back hurt ALL THE TIME. There is not a single position sitting or lying down that is actually comfortable and restful. I sleep in our recliner or propped up with pillows on the couch because lying flat and breathing are not compatible at this point.
To sum up this pregnancy - it's been pretty miserable. I am beyond ready for it to be over but it is all completely worth it to be able to bring this little boy into our family.
The Announcement
Part of the post-loss emotions I was experiencing was the lack of desire to announce or talk about my pregnancy. I would have preferred to just pretend like it wasn't happening until the day I have a baby in my arms, but my body didn't get the memo and decided to make the announcement for me long before I was ready. I was 14 weeks at Christmas and decided it was time to tell our kids and family. On Christmas morning we told the kids who were all very excited. Miles reaction was slightly heartbreaking as he exclaimed with overflowing excitement, "Ellie is coming back to our house!!!!!" It took a lot of explaining to help him understand that it wasn't going to be Ellie, but a different baby. This made no sense to him because, "Ellie is our baby." His loyalty to Ellie made me happy and broke my heart at the same time. I don't know that it he fully grasped the concept until we found out it was a boy. After telling the kids, we facetimed with my parents and Mason told them that Scott and I had givent them a surprise for Christmas. My parents were expecting to hear about our surprise trip to Florida that we gave the kids and so when Mason said, "We're having another baby." both my parents sat for a solid 30 seconds with their mouths gapping open before my mom got out the word, "What?" then another 30 seconds of confusion followed up with, "are you serious?". The total and complete shock was understandable since they knew we were done having kids after Ellie. It was a pretty priceless moment.
The Gender
From the beginning of the pregnancy Scott and I were both hoping for another girl. We really wanted Brynn to have a sister and when we envisioned our life with four kids we naturally saw 2 boys and 2 girls since that's what we had before. So at my 20 week ultrasound when we found out it was another boy, truthfully, we both felt a little disappointed. It didn't take me long to realize how much easier it would be emotionally to have a boy instead of another girl after Ellie and I was grateful for that. Our kids were home from school due to a snow day the day of my ultrasound. We told them it was a boy by giving them each a water balloon filled with blue water and having them throw it off the deck into the snow. The idea was they would pop and turn the snow blue, but they mostly just sunk down into the snow. Mason's did pop in the hole so they were able to see a few drops of blue and know it was a boy. Brynn was super disappointed and started crying, but blamed her tears on the fact Mason had gotten some snow on her. Being the sweet optimist she is, it didn't take long for Brynn to get over her disappointment and embrace having another little brother. Miles, on the other hand was through the roof excited to be having a baby brother! A funny story happened near the end of the pregnancy when Scott was at a work lunch with some coworkers who were asking about the baby. They asked if it was a boy or girl and Scott confidently responded that it was a girl. The conversation continued and it wasn't until they asked him if we had a name that he realized his mistake and corrected himself that it was in fact a boy. His coworkers thought that was pretty sad that he wouldn't even remember the gender. I found it hilarious when he told me because there have been so many times when I have stopped to look at baby girl clothes or heard a girls name and thought it would be a great name before remembering we are having a boy.
The Name
That brings me to his name. This little boy may never have a name. Coming up with any options has been extremely difficult. Early on Miles decided that we should name our baby brother Joey and we all have been calling him Baby Joey since. There just aren't a whole lot of boys names we love and the few that we do have either already been used by a family member or is so overly popular that we are turned off to it. In these final weeks we have worked really hard to come up with a list of names to consider and hopefully after he arrives one of them will fit him. The names we are considering are Logan, Ryan, Luke, Soren, Max, Mac, and Ty. There is no front runner at this point so we'll see.
The Kids
Mason, Brynn, and Miles are all ecstatic to be having another baby in our family. I hate that they are no longer niave to the reality that things can go wrong. Miles will regularly ask us if our baby brother is going to stay with us forever or other times he will snuggle up to my belly and sweetly say, "I hope our baby brother doesn't die." I wish I could tell him with 100% assurance that everything will be just fine, but that's not a promise I can make. I do try to assure all of them that our baby brother is looking healthy and strong and we have no reason to expect any problems when he is born. The more we talk about life when the baby comes the more I realize my kids don't understand how far off from a typical baby Ellie was. Mason once asked me who was going to stay with the baby when our family went places like church and soccer games since we don't live by Grandma anymore. He was confused when I told him the baby would come with us because Ellie wasn't able to come anywhere with us as a baby and he thought that all babies have to stay home all the time. One thing is for sure, this little boy is going to be so loved by his old brothers and sister.
The Baby
I am fully expecting this baby to be a BIG boy. I feel huge! It doesn't help that he never stops moving. During my 20 week ultrasound he didn't stop kicking his legs the entire time, making it very difficult for the ultrasound tech to get the leg measurements she needed. Miles loves to feel baby brother move and will often come put his hands on my belly and rarely has to wait long before baby brother starts kicking away. A few day ago I had an ultrasound to check on baby. I was told that my fluid levels are at the very high end of normal - contributing to my hugeness - but that he looks like a good sized baby as well. We got to see his little face in 3D and we think he might be a Miles look-a-like. The ultrasound tech did mention she saw some hair so maybe Miles with Mason's hair. Who knows. One thing is for sure, we are all ready to meet this little guy tomorrow!
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| Miles snuggling with baby brother |
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| 39 week bump |
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| Baby Brother |
