3 year old Ryan

For Ryan's birthday party this year we had a Trains, Planes, and Cars playdate with cousins. Brynn made his cake - including "flat tires" per Ryan's request - and it turned out DARLING. One of my favorite cakes we've ever made.

I made some trains out of boxes for the kids to play with, but before I had even started making the trains, Ryan found the boxes and immediately lined them up to make his own train. He then told me, "My train needs a whistle" and the next time I came in the room I noticed he had put spools of thread on the boxes to be his train whistles. I just love this little boy's imagination.

We gave Ryan a hot wheels track for his birthday and set it up along with the car mat for kids to play with cars.

We had a bubble machine going in the backyard and Ryan loved running around in the bubbles. 

It turned out to the be the perfect birthday celebration for Ryan.

I keep thinking that Ryan has reached my favorite age, but then he gets a little older and I love the stage he's in even more. 3-year-old Ryan is my favorite version of Ryan so far. He is bursting with happiness and personality. He talks non stop from the moment he wakes up until the moment he goes to sleep and keeps us all rolling in laughter at the funny things he says and does. His confidence and independence is growing each day and he has become quite the social butterfly.
It is impossible for me to capture all the things we love about 3-year-old Ryan, but here are a few things I always want to remember:

• He will randomly fake sneeze throughout the day. A fake sneeze is guaranteed if he sees a feather.
• Loves Hot Air Balloons
• Obsessed with flat tires and balls that need to be pumped up.
• Does NOT like it when a "Storm is rolling in". Is scared of wind and thunder.
• Would swing all day, every day, if someone would push him that long.
• He loves to sing nursery rhymes. Five little monkeys, The Wheels on the Bus, and Baa Baa Black sheep are his favorite.
• Loves Trains. He will line up anything in a line to make tracks so he can Chugga Choo Choo his trains around. His favorite part about trains is hooking them together.
• Favorite show is Paw Patrol. He loves to do the pup pup boogey.
• He is my best eater and wants to try any food he sees, especially if it's on someone else's plate. 
• Loves to lock all the doors in our house with fake keys, only he really does lock them.
• Boycotts sleep any chance he gets. No naps, late bedtimes, ands early rising. I have no idea where he gets his endless energy from.
• Is very opinionated about what clothes he wears and changes approximately 17 times a day.
• It is very possible that Ryan is legitimately color blind as he still has not learned all of his colors and doesn't seem like he will any time soon.
• Of the colors he does know, Brown is his favorite with Orange a close second.
• Ryan is very directionally aware. He always knows where we are, recognizes landmarks as we drive, and will even give me directions to where we are going.
• Asks "Why" insatiably.

Comics

#bookfacefriday

Mason is super into Comics lately, both reading and creating them. His favorites are Calvin and Hobbs and Big Nate. He brings his giant Big Nate Greatest Hits book everywhere with him to keep himself entertained. Every night before bed Scott and Mason read Big Nate together and it turns into a big laugh fest. Every time I try to get them to wrap it up and get Mason to bed they make me read one that gets me laughing and then I'm sucked into the fun, too.

10:53 PM

A few months ago our library had a create your own comic contest. Mason submitted one of his comics and he was one of two winners. He won movie tickets and candy as well as having his comic framed and hung on the wall in the library teen section. Mason is such a huge Big Nate fan and one day I found this great piece of fan mail to the author, Lincoln Peirce. I loved it so much. I love Mason's creativity and appreciation of other's creativity as well.

Mason's 12th Birthday

For Mason's birthday this year he really wanted to go paint balling. I found a Groupon deal to Paintball Addicts and we invited a bunch of his friends and had an afternoon of paintball fun. 

12-year-old Mason

• Still obsesses over whatever his current passion is.
• Is a natural leader and thrived in his position on student council this year.
• Is very excited to start Junior High this year.
• Has chosen to give up football this year and try Mountain Biking instead.
• Is quite the swimmer, but likes to keep it just a summer sport.
• Still brilliant and excels academically.
• Loves reading and drawing comics.
• He is extremely particular about his hair. He wants it to look just like certain movie stars and doesn't understand that they have stylists they pay to do their hair and make it look perfect. Also he has incredibly thick hair with inconvenient cowlicks.
• Just got braces on to straighten his teeth and correct his overbite. Only Mason could make braces look good.
• Became a deacon and received the Aaronic Priesthood in January. Also got his limited use temple recommend and enjoys doing early morning baptisms for the dead with youth in our ward once a month. 

Miles' Lego Birthday

Miles is turning seven and in true 7-year-old fashion we celebrated Lego-style at Brick N Minifigs. Anytime I don't have to plan and host a group of boys at my house it is a win for me, but this party was complete homerun for all the kids invited, too. Each of them got to choose a small bag lego set to build and take home. Then they used bins of lego parts to creat their own cars to race down the tracks. Miles and his competitive nature especially loved this part. Finish it off with pizza, cake, and cookies and everyone was happy as can be. 

7-year-old Miles

• Is the absolute worst to watch movies with because he asks questions THE ENTIRE TIME.
• Has oodles of self confidence and is very aware of his talents.
• Is not very good at verbalizing how he feels. Lots of grunts and moans in frustration when he is experiencing any emotion.
• Favorite color is Pink and he is proud of it.
• Loves Math and has a very mathematical mind.
• Reading is taking off and he is currently enjoying the Notebook of Doom and Eerie Elementary series. 
• Talks about sports like he is 16 using all the cool slang (i.e. I broke his ankles = juked him).
• Is totally and completely addicted to video games. Madden 19 and NBA2K are his favorites. 

The Golden School Year

I am calling this my Golden School year because it is the one and only time all my school age children will be at the same school, on the same schedule. That means one drop off and one pick up each day! I am also hoping that by optimistically calling it the Golden School Year it will be as awesome of a year as we had last year.

Mason is in 6th grade with Mr. Crenshaw as his teacher. Mason was experiencing a bit of anxiety leading up to the new school year. I realized that this is the first time he hasn't had to start over at a new school after 2 years. (Kindergarten and 1st Grade at Scera Park, 2nd and 3rd Grade at Rohwer, 4th and 5th at Legacy) I think that subconsciously he was preparing for another hard year of starting over because that is the cycle he has gotten used to. I talked to him about how this was the first time he got to stay at a school for a third year and continue on with the friends and teachers he knew and liked. After he realized that was probably where his anxiety was stemming from he felt much better and has been looking forward to be a 6th grader at Legacy. I think continuing forward at a school where he is comfortable and feels that he belongs is going to be great for him. I can't wait to see where this year takes him.

Brynn is in 4th grade with Mrs. Stone as her teacher. I am so incredibly proud of Brynn and her positive attitude going into this year without a single friend in her class. She is excited to have Mrs. Stone as her teacher and is confident in her ability to make new friends while maintaining friendships with her friends in other classes. This little girl amazes me every single day.

Miles is in 1st grade and in his first year of the Spanish Immersion program at Legacy. His teachers are Maestra Amy and Mrs. Welcker. The first days of school held quite a bit of anxiety for him as he wasn't sure what to expect in a class where he couldn't understand or communicate with his teacher for half of the day. It didn't take long for him to figure things out and he hasn't had a problem since. I'm so proud of him for not being afraid to do something hard.

August 27, 2018
Today. I watched 5-year-olds all over pose on their doorsteps for pictures and line up in excitement for their first day of kindergarten.
Today my porch stood empty where there should have been one more kindergartener smiling with a new backpack on.
Today dreams of what might have been filled my mind and broke my heart.
This week marks 4 years without Ellie.
I miss her everyday, but today I miss her even more.

Three Flying Fish

Another summer - another season with Flyin' Fish. This year Miles took the plunge (see what I did there ;) and joined in the fun. I don't know why, but seeing my kids hop on their bikes each day and ride off to swim team just makes me feel like they are having the kind of childhood experiences I want them to have.
Miles was SOO nervous for the first meet. We told Miles to dive in and streamline kick for awhile before side breathing and using his arms (he actually slows down a lot with his breathing). He took our advice to heart and swam 3/4 of the way across the pool in streamline before even taking a breath. Brynn had a blast swimming with her two best friends, Kristi and Grace this year. Ryan was a trooper sitting through all of the very long meets. All Miles wanted to do was get an airhead for finishing first in his heat. On the final meet he finally got that airhead. I was praising Miles for all his hard work this summer going to practice and listening to his coach and his response was, "I actually would usually just go underwater and not listen to my coach." Well, at least he's honest. The kids had such a fun group at swim team that mainly consisted of them and their friends from the neighborhood and school. They loved having McKenna as their coach and she loved them, too.  At the last meet I was standing with Miles waiting for his race and the mom in front of me turned around and asked, "Is this Miles?" When I told her yes she went on to tell me, "I am McKenna's sister and she has told us all about Miles. She LOVES him. She says she is going to name her first child Miles after him." Oh boy, somehow I have a feeling that is not because of his exemplary behavior.
All of their hard work really did pay off and it was fun to see all of the improvement they made in 2 short months.

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What Might Have Been

As Ellie's 5th birthday approaches I find my grief taking on a different tone. For the past 3 1/2 years I have grieved the loss of our perfectly imperfect Ellie. I have wondered how she would be doing developmentally and medically if she were still here with us. I have known there would have been plenty of challenges, but I also know there would have been wonderful things about having her in our life as well.
As time moves forward, it is becoming harder and harder to really imagine what life with Ellie might have been like now. There are simply too many unknowns. She really is forever 15 months in my mind. As this milestone when she would have been turning 5 and starting kindergarten approaches, I find myself spending a lot more time thinking about what our life and family would be like if Trisomy 4p had never been a part of Ellie's story. What if I had gone into the hospital on May 16, 2013 for my scheduled c-section and walked out the next day with a healthy baby girl. Our family would have moved forward with 4 kids under the age of 6 (the youngest 2 both being under 18 months) which my then naive self would have felt was incredibly hard, but I now understand would have been ideal compared to what we experienced in reality.
Fast forward 5 years and we would have gotten through the hard years and would now be entering a new phase of life where all of our kids would be attending the same school this year. Our afternoons would be filled with Mason and Miles playing marvel while Brynn and Ellie played American girl dolls and Barbies instead of Brynn always feeling left out. I would be teaching Miles and Ellie how to read and count together. Our family would look the way I always imagined it would with 2 boys and 2 girls all close in age being raised together.
Instead, our family is still trying to repair all the damage that grief and regret has caused over the last 5 years. Brynn is left as an only girl, something I never wanted her to have to experience like I have. Ryan is a caboose baby at home by himself all day, something I never wanted for any of my children.
To put it simply, this year as Ellie's 5th birthday approaches, I find myself grieving and longing for what might have been.

This year for Ellie Day, we spent the day creating Ellie's Angel Garden (our version of a fairy garden) as a happy and fun way to keep Ellie's memory a part of our home.