My Answer

I wish I could say that from the day I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant with Ellie to the day I just as unexpectedly lost her and everything that happened between I had complete faith in the Lord's plan. But I didn't. There were times I couldn't help but ask why. Why didn't my baby develop correctly despite my daily prayers for my growing baby. Why wasn't Ellie's first surgery successful in relieving her laryngomalacia so she wouldn't require a trach. Why couldn't we get any nursing care to help relieve the strain of caring for Ellie? Why? Why? Why? 

As time went on, and I gained a little more perspective, I was able to realize that Heavenly Father doesn't always answer our prayers by taking the challenges away. Instead, he answers our prayers by strengthening us and helping us grow so we can get through the challenges. After all, the reason we came to Earth was to learn and grow as we are tried and tested. As soon as I started recognizing all of the ways we had been strengthened and lifted as we faced our challenges, I couldn't deny Heavenly Father's role in helping us all along the way.

The last few months of Ellie's life were wonderful. I had reached a point where I had put my trust completely in the Lord and was willing to accept whatever Ellie's future held because I fully believed that whatever happened was part of His plan and He would be there to help us through. During this time I found so much joy in caring for Ellie and was willing to make whatever sacrifices were necessary.

In the hours after Ellie's death I felt my mind start to race - what happened? what did we miss? why did I go home that night? if I would have been there I would have known. if I would have caught it earlier could we have saved her? how much did she suffer? was she wondering where I was? I'm sorry Ellie. I'm sorry I let you down.

As my mind started going down this path a very peaceful feeling came over me and my mind cleared until only one clear thought remained - It was her time.

Right now I am at complete peace with the fact that Ellie was never intended to be on the Earth long. In fact, I feel quite strongly that the 15 months she endured in her imperfect mortal body were a gift to us. I am writing this down now because I know in the coming weeks, months, and years the questions of what if and why will come up again and again and I don't want to forget that I know the answer.

I miss Ellie so much it hurts.

I miss holding her in my arms and seeing her smiling face. I wish with my whole heart she was still here. But, I know this is all part of God's Plan, and that I will be with her and have the chance to raise her, again.

Never Forget

We returned home to Omaha last night and as soon as I walked through the door I was hit from every direction with fresh reminders of Ellie. Her empty saucer in the corner, her over-sized trach bag packed and ready by the door; a pink mouth swab that had been dropped under the table; and a pile of mail addressed to the parents of Ellie Murray. I wanted to turn and run as I felt like the whole house was caving in on me.
There was never a minute of the day that I wasn't aware of where Ellie was and what she needed. Even when sleeping, I was listening for the smallest sounds that indicated she needed me. I find myself walking up the stairs and naturally peaking in her room expecting to see her peacefully sleeping. I walk around the corner and expect to see her smiling up at me from her toys. I hear a noise and my heart jumps as I think, where is Ellie she needs suctioning. It hurts so much to be reminded of Ellie constantly, but what hurts even more is the idea that one day those reminders will fade and we will slowly start to forget. Of course we will never ever forget Ellie, but just like I can no longer remember all the details of one-year-old Mason as crisp and clear as I used to, I fear that one day I will remember the idea of Ellie more than actually remembering all the little details that shape my memories right now.
I never want to forget her beautiful auburn hair. The way it preferred to stick straight up. The way her soft locks of hair felt running through my fingers. The way Ellie would shake and jerk her head around when I tried to comb it.

I never want to forget her voice. The sound of her soft squeaks when she was talking to us. The sound of her monkey cry when she would open her mouth wide and clap her hands and scream as loud as she could. The sound of her gurgley cry. The sound of her chuckle that we would all drop whatever we were doing to come listen to.

I never want to forget her eyes. Those long amazing eyelashes that were the first thing everyone noticed about her. Those eyes that lit up every time the kids walked in the room. Those eyes that looked up at me with so much love and trust.

I never want to forget her hands. Her sweet and perfectly imperfect hands. Her curved little fingers that naturally stayed in a fist, but she learned how to use so well. Her short little pinkies that were missing the nail. Her delicate way of playing with my necklace and earrings when I was holding her. Her hands reaching out for me when someone else tried to hold her. Her love of crinkling paper and plastic with her hands. Her happy clapping.

I never want to forget her smile. Oh that amazing smile with her little tongue poking out. That infectious smile that showed off her mouth full of teeth. That beautiful smile that made everyone fall in love with her. That radiant smile that brought so much happiness into our home.

More than anything I don't want to forget the feeling Ellie brought into our home. Her spirit of peace and love radiated about her and made us all want to be better. She softened our hearts and put everything in perspective. I pray that we will continue to feel her spirit.

Ellie's Dress

Last September when I was planning Ellie's blessing and looking for the perfect blessing dress, I never could have imagined that a year later, almost to the day, I would be planning her funeral and picking out a dress for her to be buried in. Just like when I was looking for a blessing dress I was struggling to find a dress that was perfect enough for Ellie. Every dress I looked at, no matter how beautiful, just didn't look like her. After all, Ellie spent most of her life in her functional onesie/leg warmer combo she was known for. I had an idea of a dress in mind, but couldn't find exactly what I was looking for on such short notice. So, my sister-in-law, Kacie, yet another one of my amazingly talented and generous family members, offered to make exactly what I wanted. It turned out absolutely perfect. 

Every last detail was immaculately done and so beautiful.

Ellie's body looked so natural and beautiful in the dress. It was the perfect dress for her.

A huge thank you to Kacie for making the dress and Whitney for photographing it.

Bringing Ellie Home

Scott and I never had a moment's doubt that Ellie's final resting place needed to be home in Utah. 

As soon as my Aunt Heather heard our plans to bring Ellie home she went to work pulling strings with Southwest Airlines, the company she has worked for for over 20 years, and managed to secure round trip tickets for our family of five as well as transportation of Ellie's body back to Utah. We are so grateful to Heather and Southwest for making it possible for us to bring Ellie home.

On our way to Utah we had a layover in Las Vegas. When our plane landed and we turned on our phones we had a message from Heather telling us that Ellie's body was actually on our plane. Scott and I had both been quite unsettled during the previous two days as Ellie's body was being sent between the hospital, coroner's office, mortuary, and airline and we never knew where it was or who was watching over her. Knowing her body was there with us gave us a wonderful sense of peace.

Scott and I sat by the airport window as they unloaded every last cargo box. We identified a box that seemed most likely to hold Ellie's body. It was sweet to see Scott tenderly watch over that box throughout our two hour layover and follow it wherever they took it until he saw that it was safely loaded onto our connecting flight.

Arriving in Utah and being surrounded by family and the majestic mountains was very soothing to my soul. We got right to work making plans and decisions that no parents should ever have to make.

The biggest decision was deciding on a burial plot for Ellie. We spent many hours over several days looking at and considering different plots. Once we found Ellie's plot, we knew it was absolutely perfect. It is a beautiful spot tucked into a peaceful grove of trees at the top of a hill that overlooks the valley. Not only is it a beautiful location, but more importantly, it is close to Pooky and Papa's plots where they will eventually be. The thought of Ellie being close to them in the future makes me extremely happy because she loved them very much.

This morning we went up to Ellie's grave. It was so tranquil and calm surrounded by the mountains with the rays of sunlight filtering through the leaves and a gentle canyon breeze. We couldn't have found a more perfect place for Ellie.

Ellie Jane Murray

Ellie Jane Murray

May 16, 2013 - August 31, 2014

Our sweet angel, Ellie Jane Murray, returned to her Heavenly Father on Sunday, Aug. 31, after 15 months of a beautiful but challenging life.  She was born May 16, 2013, in American Fork, UT, to Scott Aaron and Rachel Hale Murray.

Diagnosed with Trisomy 4p, a rare chromosomal disorder, Ellie faced a life of physical challenges, but she fought fiercely to overcome her trials and amazed all with what she accomplished.  She had a happy disposition, big smiles and a spirit that radiated and put life in perspective for those close to her.  People who interacted with Ellie wanted to be better because of knowing her and feeling her spirit.  She was loved deeply by her brothers and sister, her parents, grandparents and extended family members. Her mother, father, and Grandma Nancy considered it a privilege and blessing to provide her with around-the-clock care throughout her life.

The family thanks the many doctors, nurses and healthcare workers who helped Ellie, particularly Primary Children’s Hospital, Dr. Bradley Anderson’s office and Kids on the Move.

Survivors include her parents; her siblings Mason, Brynn and Miles; Grandparents Michael and Linda Murray (Woodland Hills) and Val and Nancy Hale (Orem); Great-grandparents Wallace and Bonnie Allred (Orem) and Shirlee Thompson (Salt Lake City); and many loving aunts, uncles, and cousins.

Friends and family may call at a viewing on Friday, Sept. 5, from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. at the Sharon Stake Center, 545 South 800 East, in Orem.  A graveside service will be held Saturday, Sept. 6, at 10:30 a.m. at the Orem City Cemetery.

Ellie's Last Day

Saturday marked Ellie’s 8^th day in the hospital. We hadn’t had much luck weaning her oxygen down earlier in the week and on Thursday her chest x-ray was looking worse.  The pulmonologist came in and changed some of her medications and treatments and we were finally seeing some improvement. By Saturday her oxygen levels were improving and we were hopeful we would be able to take her home in the next day or two.

We started off the day with Ellie’s bath, as usual. I filled a basin with warm soapy water and set it next to Ellie in her crib. She immediately reached over and began splashing in the water. She happily splashed and splashed through her whole bath until her crib was completely soaked. She loved bath time so much. After getting her all washed up I did her trach care and changed her trach ties with the nurse and respiratory therapist looking on in amazement at how smoothly and quickly I was able to do it on my own.  My response to their praise was, “we’ve done this a few times.” I combed her hair and, as usual she fought me as I pulled it into a side pony tail – her trademark hairdo that everyone commented on.

Ellie and I spent the morning playing with toys in her crib.  I watched her little hands manipulate the different toys and was amazed at how far her hand coordination had come. She even showed off by signing “more”, one of the signs we had been working on all summer, a few times while playing. I sat in the rocking chair with Ellie reading her favorite touch-and-feel books that she loved to scratch at with her little curved fingers.  When Ellie grew tired I laid her in her crib where she cuddled up with a blanket, a new habit she had just started, and fell right asleep. She was such a good sleeper.

That afternoon I really wanted to get Ellie out of her room for a bit, so the nurse helped me hook her up to portable oxygen and monitors and I took her for a wagon ride around the unit. Ellie was the happiest I had seen her all week. She enthusiastically clapped and smiled at everyone we passed. She studied all the pictures on the walls and would lean out of the wagon trying to grab things.

We walked around for over 30 minutes. It must have worn Ellie out because a little bit later I went down the hall to get a drink and came back to find Ellie had fallen asleep while sitting up playing with her toys. 

That evening, Ellie’s sweet nurse stayed in her room and played with her while Scott and I had dinner with the big kids. Mason, Brynn, and Miles hadn’t been able to visit Ellie all week because they had all been sick. After dinner they begged to go see Ellie. I knew Ellie missed them and would be so happy to see them, so we wiped all their noses the best we could, told the kids not to cough, and lied while filling out the visitor screening form by saying they hadn’t been sick the last week.  Ellie absolutely lit up when her siblings bombarded her with hugs and kisses. Mason made her chuckle with his duck sounds, Brynn sweetly talked to her while showing her toys, and Miles insisted on climbing on her crib, getting right in her face, and saying, “hi, hi, hi” the way he always did to “make Ellie happy.”  We didn’t stay long because Ellie was tired and ready for bed.  Scott was spending the night with her so the kids and I gave her hugs and kisses and told her goodnight.

Right as we left Ellie became very fussy. As the night went on she cried and cried and was obviously in pain. Scott and the nurses tried everything they could think of to help her calm down. Scott called me multiple times asking for advice. We were all at a complete loss as to what was bothering her. I struggled to fall asleep at home knowing Ellie was suffering at the hospital, but I knew Scott was by her side comforting her the best he could. In the early morning hours she started settling down and eventually fell asleep. Little did we know, she was slowly drifting away.

At 3:56am my phone rang.  Scott frantically told me Ellie’s wasn’t breathing and her heart had stopped. I hung up the phone and called a friend to come stay with my sleeping kids. I was waiting in the driveway with the car running and the minute he pulled up I sped off on what was the longest 15 minute drive of my life. They worked to resuscitate Ellie for 30 minutes and got her heart beat back just as I arrived. The moment I laid eyes on Ellie I knew she was gone. Her heart was beating and the ventilator was breathing for her, but that little body lying on the bed was just that –a body.  They transferred her to the ICU where they realized her abdomen was distended and hard.  An x-ray showed free air in the abdomen, indicative of a perforated bowel, which would require immediate surgery. At this point they were barely keeping her oxygen saturation level in the 80s on the highest ventilator settings and were losing ground quickly. There was no way her little body would survive surgery. Scott and I together decided we just wanted to hold her and be with her in her final moments of life. The medical team stopped everything they were doing and everyone left the room.  I cradled Ellie in my arms as Scott gave her a blessing and blessed her with peace and happiness as she left this life. We then sat and rocked our sweet Ellie as she took her last breaths and her heart stopped beating.  At 5:35am Ellie’s spirit was freed from the confines of her imperfect mortal body.  We stayed with her and continued rocking her.  I didn’t know how I would ever be able to leave knowing that it would be the last time I held my sweet baby girl. As time passed her body grew cold and the presence of her spirit grew dim. The time had come to kiss her head and hold her hand one last time and tell our precious Ellie goodbye.

With Him

"...the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow." -Alma 40:12

My brother, Brandon, has always had an amazing talent of photo-shopping pictures together. This skill has come in handy when we try to take large family pictures with lots of uncooperative kids and also has provided us with great entertainment when his creative juices get flowing. Yesterday, Brandon wanting to do something, created this picture for us. I know it probably breaks all sorts of copyright laws and whatnot, but it is a precious gift to me. Looking at this picture brings me so much peace.
Over the past 15 months there was never a single moment that Ellie was not in the care of either myself, Scott, or my mom and dad. She would quickly get upset if one of us wasn't with her. This has created a feeling of great anxiety in me the last 24 hours as I feel like she is all alone and sure to be scared. But, when I first saw this picture I was reminded of some very sweet experiences we had with her. Ellie had severe stranger anxiety. At its worst, whenever she saw someone other than our immediate family, her face would pucker up in the cutest, but saddest little cry. However, when she saw a face she recognized like those of her brothers and sisters or her grandma and grandpa her face would light up with with biggest grin and and she would be full of excitement. On many occasions when Ellie saw a picture of Jesus her face lit up in recognition and excitement as she studied Jesus' face. I know that she knew him and was closer to him than any of us. When I look at this picture I feel peace that she is not alone and scared, but is safe and happy with her older brother, Jesus.