Never Forget

We returned home to Omaha last night and as soon as I walked through the door I was hit from every direction with fresh reminders of Ellie. Her empty saucer in the corner, her over-sized trach bag packed and ready by the door; a pink mouth swab that had been dropped under the table; and a pile of mail addressed to the parents of Ellie Murray. I wanted to turn and run as I felt like the whole house was caving in on me.
There was never a minute of the day that I wasn't aware of where Ellie was and what she needed. Even when sleeping, I was listening for the smallest sounds that indicated she needed me. I find myself walking up the stairs and naturally peaking in her room expecting to see her peacefully sleeping. I walk around the corner and expect to see her smiling up at me from her toys. I hear a noise and my heart jumps as I think, where is Ellie she needs suctioning. It hurts so much to be reminded of Ellie constantly, but what hurts even more is the idea that one day those reminders will fade and we will slowly start to forget. Of course we will never ever forget Ellie, but just like I can no longer remember all the details of one-year-old Mason as crisp and clear as I used to, I fear that one day I will remember the idea of Ellie more than actually remembering all the little details that shape my memories right now.
I never want to forget her beautiful auburn hair. The way it preferred to stick straight up. The way her soft locks of hair felt running through my fingers. The way Ellie would shake and jerk her head around when I tried to comb it.

I never want to forget her voice. The sound of her soft squeaks when she was talking to us. The sound of her monkey cry when she would open her mouth wide and clap her hands and scream as loud as she could. The sound of her gurgley cry. The sound of her chuckle that we would all drop whatever we were doing to come listen to.

I never want to forget her eyes. Those long amazing eyelashes that were the first thing everyone noticed about her. Those eyes that lit up every time the kids walked in the room. Those eyes that looked up at me with so much love and trust.

I never want to forget her hands. Her sweet and perfectly imperfect hands. Her curved little fingers that naturally stayed in a fist, but she learned how to use so well. Her short little pinkies that were missing the nail. Her delicate way of playing with my necklace and earrings when I was holding her. Her hands reaching out for me when someone else tried to hold her. Her love of crinkling paper and plastic with her hands. Her happy clapping.

I never want to forget her smile. Oh that amazing smile with her little tongue poking out. That infectious smile that showed off her mouth full of teeth. That beautiful smile that made everyone fall in love with her. That radiant smile that brought so much happiness into our home.

More than anything I don't want to forget the feeling Ellie brought into our home. Her spirit of peace and love radiated about her and made us all want to be better. She softened our hearts and put everything in perspective. I pray that we will continue to feel her spirit.