Grief

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

Three years. It has been three whole years since I last held Ellie and told her I was sorry. This year was easier than the previous two. The waves are getting smaller and farther between. Most days I function just fine, but there are still days that are filled with pain, tears, and regret. I don't know that the pain lessens over time, but I have gotten used to the constant ache and so it's not as debilitating as it once was. I love you my angel Ellie. Each year gone without you is just a year closer to having you back in my arms. 

The Sick Bed

Nothing drives up Scott's anxiety like a good stomach bug. He shifts between paranoia that he will catch it and start throwing up himself (something he does not handle well) and the fear that someone will throw up on furniture or carpet. With that being said, let me tell you the story of our first night in our new house.
After closing on our house there were a few projects we had to get done before moving in. The last step was getting new carpet installed throughout the house. As soon as that was complete the movers delivered all our stuff and we got all of the big furniture in place. We hadn't unpacked any boxes yet and weren't planning on spending the night yet, but the kids begged and begged to sleep in their new beds so we figured, why not, and stayed for the night with next to nothing available to us. After tucking all the kids in bed Scott and I walked around the house admiring the new carpet and Scott said, "The first kid who throws up on this carpet is out of the family." We got a good laugh about it and went to bed. In the wee hours of the morning we woke up to little footsteps coming down the hall and Brynn's voice in the doorway saying, "Mom....my tummy hurts...." followed by a gagging noise. I have never seen Scott move as fast as he did as he bolted out of bed, across the room, and spun Brynn around just as she started vomiting uncontrollably all over the hall floor. Thank goodness the hall has laminate flooring which conveniently still had large pieces of cardboard taped down on it from the movers. I was super disoriented and couldn't figure out what I needed to do in this foreign place without as much as a washcloth available to help me clean up. As Scott started rummaging through moving boxes to find towels I took Brynn into the bathroom to shower off. I turned on water and waited...and waited....and waited for it to warm up, but it never did. Scott abandoned the towel hunt to go down to check out the water heater and low and behold the pilot light was out and would not relight. Perfect. I got Brynn cleaned up the best I could in cold water and then she and I went to camp out the rest of the night in the main room, far away from the precious new carpet. Scott located the boxes of towels proceded to cover every square inch of carpet in the boys' room just in case one of them woke up sick, which thankfully they didn't. In the morning we packed up all the kids and drove back to my parents' house to get Brynn cleaned up and figure out what was going on with the Gas at our house. Turns out when we called and transferred the service to our name they had accidentally shut off the service instead. What a memorable night.
Since that day, Scott has implemented some new protocols in our house for when anyone gets sick. I'm pretty sure it has been more ingrained in our kids what to do if they ever wake up sick at night then what to do in case of a fire or earthquake.
When anyone does get sick they are confined to "the sick bed" which is a bed Scott sets up on the laminate floor in the living room. If needed, additional sick beds can be added to create an infirmary for the sick. From there they have quick and easy access to the bathroom without any carpet or upholstery in their path. Every person in the house is equipped with a pink bucket by their bed and the carpet around everyone's beds is lined with towels. This procedure is followed until every night until several days have passed with no incidents.
I am happy to report that by following this protocol we have made it an entire year without cleaning vomit out of carpet. Crossing our fingers we can make it a few more.

Towhead

Before Scott and I had kids we often wondered how our genetics would combine with him coming from a family of blonde hair, blue eyed Scandinavians and me coming from a family with Dark features. When Mason was born with a head full of dark hair I kind of figured the dark genes had won and we would have a family of Hale look-a-likes. Then Brynn came along with her lighter features and we deemed her our little, blonde, Murray girl. That is, until Miles was born and proved to be even lighter, making Brynn's hair appear to be more brown than blonde. So Miles became our blonde haired Murray. Sure, little by little his hair has gotten darker over the years, but it is still lighter than the others'. Than along came Ryan who has shown us what it truly means to be blonde.  

There is no questioning that his blonde hair and bright blue eyes win him the title of the family towhead. Unlike the others that gradually got darker, his hair just continues to get lighter and lighter. He's only one or two shades away from having white hair. As I look at the line up of our kids and see how each one seems to have a shade lighter of hair it is as if our genes are running out of pigment to pass along. We love our neopolitan family (dark brown, light brown, dirty blonde, auburn, and blonde blonde) and wouldn't change a thing about any of them.

Piles of hair after giving all the boys haircuts.

Family Pictures

One of my goals this summer was to get current family pictures taken. This is extremely overdue considering that our last family pictures from nearly three years ago display a nearly toothless Mason, Brynn with all her baby teeth, Miles without glasses, and me weighing 30 lbs less. Not to mention that Ryan isn't in them. I was struggling to envision exactly what I wanted for our pictures until my friend, Melanie, posted some pictures from Albion Basin up Little Cottonwood Canyon as a potential picture location and I knew that is exactly where I wanted our pictures taken. What better way to capture our current family than surrounded by our beloved mountains we have recently returned home to. I planned out our outfits, got everyone ready, and we drove up the canyon only to be greeted by a downpour of rain. After all the work to get there I wasn't ready to give up that easy so we waited for half an hour until the rain stopped and then did our best to get some pictures with the remaining daylight and muddy conditions. Not surprisingly, Melanie still managed to capture our awkward picture taking family beautifully and I love how all of our pictures turned out. Enjoy the picture overload.

Flyin Fish

As summer began approaching, my number one concern was finding a swim team for Brynn and Mason to participate on. We had such a positive experience last summer on Elk Horn's swim team and I really wanted to find something similar for them to participate in here. As I asked around I found that there is a really great swim program right in our area, but after looking into it I felt like it was much more intense than I was looking for. I wanted to find a team that had good instruction, was enjoyable for the kids, and didn't completely dominate our summer plans. That's when my neighbor told me about the Flyin' Fish swim team. This is a team that a family has run out of their backyard for several years. They are established as a feeder program for HAST (that really great local program I was talking about) so they are able to compete in all of their meets. The greatest perk and what convinced me to take the risk on a backyard swim team is the fact that it is less than half a mile away from our house and the kids could ride their bikes each day with other kids from the neighborhood. I couldn't have dreamed up a more perfect scenario. Not only did I love (LOVE, LOVE, LOVE) the convenience but I loved everything about the team. Mike, the head guy swam for BYU a couple years ago and made it all the way to nationals. His younger sister McKenna, who was the head coach this year, is currently swimming for University of Utah. Since their backyard pool is not big enough to accommodate large numbers they hold 4 different sessions with 8 kids in each session. This made it so the kids get super individualized instruction. I saw so much improvement in all of their strokes over the summer. It was definitely more low key and personal and it made it so the kids really enjoyed it. Plus the pool was heated - which is the ultimate bonus for my skinny, freezing kids.

The best part was that even with the small and more intimate practices they were able to participate in the big city meets. They both had moments when they shined and moments when they didn't. All of them were wonderful learning experiences. I was so proud of them for how they handled disappointment and learned from their mistakes with good attitudes. After all, we don't do this for them to become olympic swimmers, we do this for them to stay healthy, have fun, learn how to work hard, and to be a part of a team. I would say we were successful with all of the above.

Here is a quick overview of their meet results
Meet 1
Brynn: 25 Back - 34.21 PR (4th), 25 Breast - 41.20 PR (1st), 25 Free - 29.86 PR (3rd)
Mason: 50 Back - 58.97 PR (2nd), 50 Free - 52.60 PR (4th), 25 Fly - 30.53 PR (3rd)

Brynn and her teammate and friend Abby Winder

Meet 2
Brynn: 25 Back - 31.83 PR (4th), 25 Breast - 41.99 (3rd), 50 Free - 56.69 PR (1st)
Mason: 50 Back - 1:03.78 (6th), 50 Free - 44.47 PR (3rd), 25 Fly - 24.74 PR (1st)

Always smiling during her races.

Meet 3
Brynn: 25 Back 31.38 PR (4th), 25 Breast DQ (one hand touch), 50 Free - 58.27 (4th)
Mason: 100 IM DQ - (scissor kick), 50 Free - 42.89 PR (1st), 50 Fly - DQ (one hand touch)

Pre-race nerves

Meet 4
Brynn: 25 Back 29.88 PR (3rd), 25 Breast 38.82 PR (3rd), 50 Free - 56.01 PR (3rd)
Mason: 100 IM - 2:24.22 (2nd), 50 Free - 42.14 PR (3rd), 25 Fly - 26.94 (2nd)

Another huge perk of the meets is that while half of AF rec center pool was closed off for the meet the other half was still open for public swimming so Miles could swim around during the meet. THis made it much more enjoyable than the meets in Omaha.

Pooped after all the fun.

At the end of the season HAST awards each swimmer points for where they placed in each event over the summer ( i.e. 10 points first place, 8 points second place, 6 points third place, etc.) and add them up and then rank the swimmers. Mason took 3rd in the 10-year-old boys and was awarded "The Butterflier" award because he loves butterfly and would fly in it. Brynn was 10th in the 7-year-old girls and was awarded the "Silent but Deadly" award because she was shy and quiet at practice but worked hard and did awesome in the meets. This was my favorite award any of my kids have ever gotten. It was spot on.

So proud of these two swimmers! I can't wait for next year when Miles will join them and the Flyin' Fish.

Three White Dresses

My Three White Dresses

My mom bought me a white dress, Not red or pink or blue.

She said it was a special dress Like very other few.

There has been just one before, A dress now put away,

That I wore some time ago Upon my blessing day.

As a little baby clothed In my first white dress,

My dad held me in his arms, There to name and bless.

So pure and clean was I just then, With time to grow and learn

About the Father's plan for me. My glory I must earn.

Now I've reached the age to judge The wrong road from the right,

And I am here to be baptized In this dress of white.

So once again I'm free from sin. The path is clear to me.

I'll grasp the rod and hold on tight, I vow with certainty.

Just as mud would stain my dress, Sin would stain my soul.

The key is to repent or bleach, For whiteness is my goal.

And if I try my very best, Then richly blessed I'll be,

Wearing inside God's holy house White dress number three.

So today I make this pledge: I'll strive to choose the right,

Through this sacred baptism ordinance In my second dress of white.

This poem written by Elder Perry's daughter, Linda Perry Nelson, is one that I have loved since having daughters. Picking out a dress for Ellie's blessing was very important to me because I knew in my heart it was the only white dress she would ever have. At the time I felt that way because I wasn't sure if Ellie would ever have the capacity or ability to choose to be baptized and knew she would never go through the temple or get married. Little did I know that a year later Ellie would in fact have another white dress - her burial dress.

As Brynn's baptism approached, picking out her second white dress was very important and special to me. While looking for the perfect dress, Brynn had just one request. She wanted a dress to match Ellie's burial dress. With a little searching and a few alterations (adding sleeves), we came up with the right dress. We added the left over ribbon from Ellie's dress and it was perfect!! My heart could burst knowing that my girls are matching in their white dresses.

Brynn's baptism was about so much more than a dress, but it served as the perfect reminder of the importance of this step Brynn took toward returning to our Heavenly Father where Ellie will be waiting for us. 

I shared this poem with Brynn and she loves the idea of her three white dresses just as much as I do. Brynn helped me create a collage frame that contained this poem, Ellie in her blessing dress, Brynn in her baptism dress, and me in my wedding dress, and the Mt Timpanogas Temple where Brynn wants to get married one day. Brynn has asked to hang it in her room and I hope it will serve as a reminder of this special day and what she is striving and preparing for.

Brynn's Baptism

On July 1st Brynn was baptized and confirmed a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Brynn has been looking forward to this day for a very long time and has never had a doubt that when she turned 8 she wanted to be baptized. She has such a strong desire to do what is right and follow Christ's example. She truly is such a great example to me. I love how church ordinances are kept short, simple, and sweet with the emphasis being on the ordinance itself. Brynn was the only person being baptized in our ward so we were in charge of the whole program. Brynn wanted Mason to give a little talk on baptism, Grandma Nancy to give a talk on the Holy Ghost, and she wanted to sing When I am Baptized with Kennedy and Rachel Faye. That is exactly how the program went. As Brynn entered the water of baptism I was overcome with a distinct wave of emotion that I have come to learn is the feeling I get when Ellie is with us. I have only experienced it a handful of times in the last 3 years, but I know without a doubt it is Ellie. The times I have felt it have not been at birthday parties or any mortal life celebrations, but they have all been times when sacred church ordinances are being performed. This is a testament to me of the things that truly matter in life. The things that matter for our eternal salvation are the things that Ellie is here for. I know that she is so proud and excited that Brynn has taken this crucial step toward being worthy to be with her again.
We are so fortunate to be surrounded by so many friends and family and Brynn had a room full of people there support her on this big day. Brynn's baptism will always be remembered as a happy and wonderful day.