August 31.2015
It feels impossible that it has been a year since I have held Ellie in my arms or seen her face light up in a smile. It's even harder to believe that Ellie has been gone for almost as long as we had her with us. The last few weeks have been very emotional for me as I am haunted by reminders of what was happening a year ago with school starting, everyone getting sick, and trying to balance Ellie's needs in the hospital with my other kids' needs at home all while adjusting to a new place. I missed so many signs, made so many wrong decisions, and worst of all I wasn't there when she needed me the absolute most. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for that.
After reliving every moment and my thoughts being consumed by what ifs the past few weeks, Ellie's Angelversary finally arrived and the day went better than I expected. We were surrounded by love from friends and family who sent flowers, brought over goodies, or shared memories of Ellie with us. We spent the evening at the park sharing memories and sending our biggest and best bubbles heavenward for Ellie. In future years I hope to put more emphasis on her birthday and celebrating her life than her angelversary and death, but this first year it was a very big milestone to cross.
